NARRATOR: So, you'refinally settling down.
You've saved upa little nest egg
and are ready to dive intothe real estate market.
Let's do a littleshopping around.
The American dream home.
Two bedrooms, two bathrooms,
one doghouse, one garage,two garbage cans.
It's cozy, safe,
and just barely withinyour overstretched budget.
Not for you?
For the same price,you can buy 200, 000 acres
of prime Sahara wasteland.
Put up a cottage.Nothing but you and the sky.
It's like a beachwithout the ocean.
And talk about quiet neighbors.
Too remote?Oh, I understand.
You need the thrilland excitement of the big city.
With that same nest egg,
you can get a sliceof prime real estate.
Not this real estate.
Cozy and affordable,
this lovely fixer-upperis the perfect place
for a dynamic couple like you.
No need to putter aroundthe house.
It's all right therewhere you stand.
What's the matter?Feeling a little cramped?
Well, just a stone'sthrow away,
just one bridgeor a tunnel ride,
just outside the big,bustling city,
there is a placewith wide-open spaces,
friendly natives,and spacious dwellings.
And it's all withinyour price range.
It's almosttoo good to be true.
KENNETH:When I told you
I had a particular buildingin mind for you,
this is the oneI was talking about.
It's a historical homeon one of the best blocks
in all of Brooklyn.
- Remember what we talked about.- I know. Poker face.
Built-ins, built-ins.
Oh, the kitchen'sa little small.
Well, rip out thisawful room divider,
and you've gotan eat-in kitchen.
And over hereyou have your library.
Wow.
For your books.
Oh, you like books?
I have a little collectionof first-edition novels.
Alex is a writer.
The parlor.
Oh, my God.
So, this staircase.This leads to where?
I thought you realized.This is a duplex.
As in two floorsfor the price of one?
I believe it's right therein the listing sheet.
So, why was it sealed off?
Were there, like, a slew ofmurders up there or something?
No, there's just a sweet, littleold lady that lives upstairs.
A tenant?
Mm-hmm.
So, rent control meanswe can't kick her out, right?
Alex!
That's a legitimate question.You cannot evict her.
She has to decide to leaveor, God forbid...
Poor thing hasn't beenfeeling well lately.
She's gotta be closeto 100 years old.
Mrs. Connelly?
It may take her a while.She's hard of hearing.
Mrs. Connelly?
[Footsteps]
[Door unlocks]
[Latch squeaks, slides]
Kenneth.[Coughs]
There's my favorite girl.
How you feeling today,Mrs. Connelly?
I don't feel too good, Kenneth.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that,Mrs. Connelly.
I brought by a young couple thatmay want to buy the apartment.
- Hi.- Hi, Mrs. Connelly.
I'm Nancy Kendricks.
This is my husband, Alex Rose.
Hello.
We were wonderingif we could look around.
[Coughs]I don't feel up to it.
I'm sorry, dear.
Nice seeing you again, Kenneth.
[Coughing and hacking]
You have a Mommy-and-Mepark over here.
You got shopping that way.
No traffic.It is ideal.
Here's my cardif you want to make an offer.
There's a lot of heaton this place.
I'd say it'll beoff the market by Monday.
Adios.
Three fireplaces?
Guys, the place soundsincredible.
And surprisingly affordable.
It's kind of affordable.
It's really at the high endof our price range.
But when you factor inthat it's a duplex.
It's a duplex?
Yes.
Oh.
You know, it's Brooklyn,first of all.
We weren't even thinkingabout Brooklyn, so...
Oh, actually, which reminds me.Did you bring it?
Oh, yeah.
Is this the latest inthe Don Piper mystery series?
Fresh off the presses.
I inscribed this copyto you guys.
- Oh!- NANCY: Coop, thank you.
I am sure it's notgonna be as brilliant
as your new book, but a coupledecent metaphors in there.
Turn of phrase.
We forgot to tell themthe big news.
Oh, God.Yes.
What is it?
Go ahead.
We're pregnant.
Wow!
Congratulations.
Congratulations, man.
I'm so happy for you!
You guys must havejust found out.
No. Unh-unh.I'm four months along. Yeah.
- Four months?- Mm-hmm.
- Oop!- Oh, honey.
Stop.
Hello!
I mean, we're notgonna want to live here
once we start having babies.
And that upstairs would makethe cutest playroom.
Well, I don't want Mrs. Connellycoughing on my baby.
You know what I mean.
Besides, do you realize how muchthe duplex is gonna be worth
once we get both floors?
I know how much it costs.
It's gonna be wortha bazillion times that.
Really? A bazillion?That's an incredible return.
Come on, Alex, what better wayto finish your novel
than in your own 19th-centuryoak writer's nook?
It would be nicenot to write at Starbucks
with the other novelists.
Because you deserveyour own nook.
That's my train.
All right.Let's do it.
Really?
- Yeah.- Aah!
Oh, this is so wonderful.We're gonna have a home.
Yeah. All right.I love you.
I love you!
I could have swornwe had more stuff.
It's gonna look great.
Mrs. Connelly, it'sNancy Kendricks and Alex Rose,
from downstairs.
Let me look at you.
Oh!
Hi.
We just wanted to come upand say hi.
Oh, what a nice surprise.
Come in.Come in.
Thank you.
Wow.
What an amazing apartment!
Oh, thank you, dear.Sit down.
We brought you thislittle housewarming gift.
That's very kind of you.Thank you.
I'll open it for you.I don't drink, myself.
It's a sin.
Irish Catholics don't drink?
[Traditional Irish musicplays]
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm just taking a fewlittle pictures for research.
CONNELLY: If I knew youwere coming, I'd have tidied up.
Hey, Nancy.
Yeah?
Blow me down!
- Oh!- What did you say?
- Are you all right?- Yeah. Oh, God!
I'm coming, slowly but surely.
- I'll just turn off this music.- Alex! Alex!
[Music stops]
Sit down, dears.Sit down.
[Squawks]
I've brought you a littlesomething to nibble on as well.
Oh, Bugles.Wow.
I didn't realizethey even still made Bugles.
Here you go.
That's a magnificent parrot.
It's not a parrot, dear.He's a macaw.
He's named aftermy late husband, Richard.
I've had Little Dickfor 40 years.
Come along, dear.Don't be shy.
It's French onion.
Oh.
[Squawks]
Mrs. Connelly,how are you feeling?
Why do you ask, dear?
Well, because the last timewe saw you, you were quite ill.
Oh, I had a bit of a cold,but I'm in fine fettle now.
Tell me about yourselves.
What do you do, Alan?
Alex.
Alex is a writer.
Oh, a writer.Hmm.
I always thought of that asmore of a hobby than a real job.
I suppose I'm forgettingabout Joyce.
Joyce. James Joyce.Of course.
Wonderful writer.
He died drunk and penniless.
Well, Alex's first novelwas published in hardback,
and he's aboutto finish his second one.
Oh, what's it about?
Well, I like to call itan urban epic.
It's about three generationsof this family
that own a printing press,and I tell a story.
That's nice.Let me give you a refill.
Big Dick had the taste, too.
He was a seaman.
The drink took himfrom me in 1963.
We'd been married for 58 years.
'63.
So, when are you twoplanning on having children?
Soon.
Yeah, not for a couple of years.
You sound just likeMr. Connelly.
We never had any children.
It's too late for me now.
[Clock chimes]
Oh, look at the time.
I had no idea it was so late.
Oh.
The time's rolled on.
We haven't had a chanceto see the apartment.
Oh, dear, I'm afraidthere's no time now.
Really?
We must say good night.
Oh, okay.
[Farting sound]
Oh.
Uh-oh.
Oh, no. That was your...I think it's your couch.
- I think the chair...- Alex.
That was a little...
Come along, dears.Come along.
How could you?
"A macaw. Any long-tailed,brightly colored parrot."
A macaw is a parrot.I knew it.
Don't you think thatas landlords,
we have some legal right
to see the back of her apartmentif we want to?
I mean, I'll look it upon the Internet.
That's what I'll do.
I wonder how old she is.
Oh, my guess is that she'ssomewhere between 95 and 105.
- She looked pretty good tonight.- Yeah, she did.
She looked kind of healthy.
Yeah.
That's nice.
Yeah.
Hi.
Hello, Mr. Peabody.
[Television blaring]
WOMAN ON TELEVISION:I saw myself in the mirror,
and I thought it wasmy mother's tush.
[Theme from "Hawaii Five-O"plays]
Mrs. Connelly?
CONNELLY:Oh, yes?
Who is it?
Hi, it's Alex.
I was wondering if youcould turn down your TV,
'cause we can hear it.
Oh, I fell asleep.I'm sorry.
- That's okay.- I'll do that.
Okay.Thank you.
CARTMAN: No, Starvin' Marvin,that's my potpie.
STAN:Cartman, you butt-pipe.
This is the time of yearto share.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
Are you going to eatyour peach cobbler?
No, you don't want all that.Why don't you share it with me?
MAN: Everybody'sasking me about fiber.
MAN:In the next few minutes,
you're going to learn aboutan amazing...
[Woody Woodpecker laughing]
WOMAN:If I want a slimmer waist.
MAN: Use it on carpets. OxiCleanseeks out organic stains.
MAN:There's no more bald jokes.
[Ringing]
I gotta go. Have a good day.See you later.
And finish that chapter!
I will.
[Buzzer sounds repeatedly]
- Good morning, Alex.- Good morning, Mrs. Connelly.
I wanted to give you this back.
I won't drink it,and I thought you might want it.
Oh, thank you.That's nice of you.
All right, if there's anythingI can do for you, let me know.
[Buzzer sounds]
There is one thing.
Yeah, I'm sorry,I don't hear anything.
It was very distinctive.
The pipes wentbang-bang-bangity-bang-bang.
Bang! Bang!
Well, they're notdoing that anymore,
or it stopped,so, I'll tell you what, though.
If you hear it again,come get me. I'll take a listen.
Oh, all right then.It's a deal.
Ooh, Alan, dear boy, I wonder...
- Alex.- Pardon?
Alex.My name's Alex.
I know.
No, I think you said "Alan."
Oh, no, I don't think so.
I don't forget names.
Could you give me a handwith the garbage?
We don't want to befeeding the mice.
What in heaven's nameare you doing with me drawers?
Now, I would movethe pull quote just a teeny bit
so that you'll have roomto squeeze in the text.
You're sucha good squeezer, Nancy.
That's because, until yesterday,
I lived in an apartmentthe size of a small child.
But look at the new place.
Oh, my God!
- Isn't it gorgeous?- Yes.
There's, like,this living room/parlor area.
Nancy, did you finishthe "Celebrity Scene" page?
Oh, tickety-boo.
I don't know what that means.
It means you'll have it soon.
Well, if you meanI'll have it soon,
why don't you sayI'll have it soon?
"Tickety-boo"is just confusing for everybody.
Oh, Mr. Peabody.How did that get in there?
Ohh.
Alex?
[Door closes]
Alex?
ALEX:Hey.
Hi!
Hi.How was work?
Oh, Herman's freaking out,as usual.
Were you napping?
No, I was just rearrangingmy book collection.
In the dark?
And then I closed my eyesfor a second.
Just to think, and, you know.Is this dinner?
Mm-hmm.So, how was your nook?
Did you get, like, fiveor six million pages written?
More like five or six words.
Our upstairs neighbor had medoing chores for her all day.
Really?
Yeah.
Well, you just gotta setsome boundaries.
Just tell her you're working.She'll understand.
What is that?
Oh, I picked up a few thingson the way home.
It's an area rug.
- Do you love it?- Yes. How much was it?
It doesn't seemto cover much of an area.
It was $200or something like that.
I don't really remember.
That was 200 bucks?
Yeah, but, you know,it's a runner,
'cause it goes in betweenthe two rooms
and then ties them together.
Ooh, and look!Look, look, look, look, look!
It's an original Pablo Flinch.
Really? Cool.
Is it, like, a Mayanguacamole bowl or something?
It's a stool.
Here.
Try it.
What are we, hobbits?
[Metal clanking]
It's a water stain!
I told Mr. Rose the problemwith the pipes this morning.
They were goingbang-bang-bangity-bang-bang.
Bang. Bang.
[Foreign accent]Yeah, the whole bathroom
could have explode.
471 bucks.
What time?
- You were here three hours?- Yeah.
Sweetie, these wereoriginal tiles.
How could you not hear banging?
Sweetie, I was asleep!
Napping, and in the middleof the afternoon.
Shameful.
I'm not gonna payfor unauthorized repairs.
I did the work, my friend.
I can rip the pipesout of the wall.
[Speaking foreign language]
What?
[Speaking foreign language]
I don't know what you're saying.
Do it! Do it!
You do it.You do it.
- NANCY: Alex!- What?
Okay, forget it.Plug it up.
[Speaking foreign language]
I begged Mr. Roseto do something.
I was terrified, Nancy.
Okay, well, the nexttime that happens,
Mrs. Connelly,just call me, okay?
I gave you my business card.
Alan, before I forget,it's the first of the month.
Right.
$88.
Do you want to count it?
Remember, if she bothers you,just lay down the law.
Be firm, but nice.Two positives, then a negative.
- What is that?- Psychology.
Don't wait up for me.I got to work late.
- I love you.- I love you.
[Buzzer sounds]
Good morning, Alex.
Good morning, Mrs. Connelly.
I wondered if I could ask youa quick question.
Right.You know what?
Can I just say this to you?
You know I'm workingon a book, right?
And this book is duein about three weeks.
And my editor is expecting iton her desk at that time, okay?
- It's a contractual deadline.- I see.
So I have to be workingon that book all the time
here in my apartment,which is also my office.
It's just like my office.
If I was a lawyer,and I went off to an office,
you couldn't knock on my door,'cause you wouldn't be there.
So let's just pretendthat I'm a lawyer, okay?
This is my office,
and unless it's a really, reallysuper-important emergency, okay,
between the hoursof 9:00 and 6:00, I'm not here.
I'm off,away in my office, okay?
And then after 6:00,I'm here, okay?
I completely understand.
And I apologizefor bothering you.
Not at all. Okay,have a good day, all right?
It's just...
What? What is it just?What is it?
I bought a copyof your book yesterday,
and I wondered if you'd sign it.
Of course, if you're too busy,
I can come backout of business hours.
Oh. No.That... no.
Oh, that's so nice.You didn't have to buy a copy.
- I have a million copies.- It's money well spent.
Just write something that Ican treasure for years to come.
Okay.
How about, "To my favoriteupstairs neighbor"?
Signed "Alex Rose."
Here you go.And I hope you like it.
Oh, I know I will.
Okay. All right.Good day.
Alex?
Yeah?
I know we've just hadthis discussion,
but I was wonderingif the firm of Rose & Rose
could accompany an old ladyto the pharmacy.
It's pissing down out there.
And I need to renewmy monthlies.
It won't take any time at all.
30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36...
How much is the Nicorette?
$43.97.
I lost me place.
One, two, three...
8, 9, 10...
1, 2, 3...
22, 23, 24...
25, 26, 27, 28, 29, and 30.
Okay, good?
Oh, blueberries.
1, 2, 3...
I thought youwere gonna talk to her.
I did, honey.I did.
I was very clear with her.She's just...
She manipulated me somehow.
She manipulated you?
She's very crafty.
She's a crafty old lady.
Well, I'll tell you what.
Tomorrow's gonna be better,because you know why?
It's gonna be Saturday,and that's our day off,
and we're gonna get to sleep in.
- Okay?- Yeah.
I promise everythingwill be better tomorrow, okay?
# The Love Boat #
# Soon we'll be makinganother run #
# The Love Boat #
[Indistinct shouting]
CONNELLY:Good morning.
Good morning, Nancy.
This is Nancy Kendricks.
Hello, dear.
Are those musical instruments?
WOMEN:Yes!
We are a brass ensemble.
We've got a concertat St. Augustus on Friday.
[Brass instruments playing]
Let's go out shopping.
MAN:I'll deliver it this afternoon?
Yes, that's great.
Hey, honey, look.
Oh!Oh, what'd you get?
Remington Royal.50 bucks.
How much werethey asking for it?
50 bucks.
Look, I got a peacock.
Oh.
- Isn't it great?- Cool.
What does it do?
It's there to be decorativeand pretty
and aesthetically pleasing.
So what do we need a daybed for?
Oh, for all your napping.
Honey, I took one napfor two minutes.
I didn't even shut my eyes.
Hey, what's in the bag?
Answer to our prayers.
Try it next to that one,'cause then the couch will go...
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.
Wow.
You know what I just realizedthat we forgot to do?
We forgot to christenthe apartment.
That's what I was thinking.
# Agua de beber #
# Agua de beber camar #
# Agua de beber #
I love our home.
Aah!
- What was she doing?- Oh, my God.
I don't know. You thinkshe saw the whole thing?
Ew!
Hey, where are you going?
Oh, now's my chance.I got to get up there.
Wait.What are you gonna do?
The answer to our problems.
- Clap Me.- What does it do?
When she falls asleep,we can control her TV.
You be the lookout.
If you hear her coming,knock on the pipe, okay?
Like, make a noise.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
[Squawks]
Shut up.
[Door opens]
[Door closes]
Hello.
Well, hello, Little Dickey.I'm back again, aren't I?
Guess what I've got in the bag.
I got hot dogs.Hot dogs for Dickey boy.
I'll tell youwhat I'm going to do.
I'm going to give ita wee chew meself first.
Mm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Mm. It's so nice, Dickey.It is.
It's so good.
Mm.
I tell you what.
Shall we have a bit of music?
A bit of musicand a bit of a dance.
I'll put on your favorite,the tune you like the most.
The one that wasBig Dick's favorite, too.
[The Dubliners'"Pub with No Beer" plays]
[Chuckling]
There's a-boy.
# From your kindred and all #
# From the campfire at night #
# We'll hearthe wild dingoes call #
# But there's nothingso lonesome #
# so dull, or so drear #
# Than to stand in the barof a pub with no beer #
# Now the publican's anxious #
[Creaking loudly]
Holy crap!
# Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha #
- [Knock on door]- NANCY: Mrs. Connelly?
# With a thrill in my handand a pill on my tongue #
# Dissolve the nervesthat have just begun #
# Listening to Marvin #
# All night long #
# This is the sound #
Mrs. Connelly?
Nancy?
Is that you?
Mrs. Connelly?
Hold on a sec.
Mrs. Connelly?
Oh, Nancy.
What a nice surprise.I'll make you some tea.
It's nice to see you here.
We'll have some tea.
Oh!
And biscuits.
Ow! Ooh!
Honey?
Oh!
Oh, I'm so sorry.Are you okay?
What happened to you? You weresupposed to be the lookout.
I know.I know.
[Music playing on television]
All right, here we go.
- Ready?- Yeah.
[Music continues]
[Music stops]
You're a genius!
[Connelly claps twice,music resumes]
[Connelly claps twice,music stops]
That is so weird.
How would she know that? Howwould she know how to use it?
You didn't leave the boxup there or anything, did you?
[Connelly claps twice,music resumes]
[Connelly claps twice,music stops]
[Connelly claps twice,music resumes]
[Connelly claps twice,music stops]
[Music stops]
[Connelly claps twice,music resumes]
[Telephone rings]
Nancy Kendricks.
Nancy, Mrs. Connelly.I have a favor to ask.
Emergency!
Hurry!
Run!
Mrs. Connelly,you know, honestly,
we're going to print today,
and everything'sjust crazy around here.
Can't you ask Alex?
I knocked and knocked.
He must be ina deep, deep sleep today.
We didn't get ituntil this morning.
Nancy! Nancy!
We have 27 minutesto get this to press.
Get off the phone!
Okay, thank you, Mrs. Connelly.
Where is my new hot list?Where is it?
I'm almost done.
- 5 seconds!- Okay. Okay. Okay.
- Okay. Okay.- Hurry!
This is it?
Yes.
- Did you check it?- Yes.
I don't want it tickety-boo.I want it tickety-now!
It's good. It's cute.I like it.
Is it, like,800, 900 square feet?
No, it's, like, 1,800.
But it might seem cozy'cause of the fireplaces.
There are 3 fireplaces.
So, here it is.The third fireplace.
Wow.This apartment is amazing.
I'm so glad that you like it.Whew. Relief.
Wonderful collection.
- Mmm, thank you.- Yeah.
Just make sure you save space
for the Alex Rosefirst editions.
Ah, yes.
So.
So, yeah.
How's the ending turning out?
The ending is gonna be great.
I'm kind of circling it'cause I don't want to force it.
Just make sure youturn it in by Wednesday.
Management's being very strictwith all our mid-level authors.
I'm only mid-level?
Right now.
Of course, you won't be afteryou hand in your masterpiece.
We're replacing mostof the furniture we have,
but we're goingfor a Miller/Eames look.
You love Eames, Terrence.
I just got a new piece.
[Laughter]
Did you bring that guy withthe girl in the leopard thing?
Oh, that's Chick.
That's the guy who's advising meon the Don Piper mysteries.
What, is he a detectiveor something?
No.
He's a hired gun.
He kills people for a living.
You brought a hit maninto the party?
Relax.He's very discreet.
He's got a perfectly legitimateday job as a cover.
And what do you do, Chick?
I'm a pornographer.
Here, let me give you a card,you know, just in case.
She's this funny old Irish ladynamed Mrs. Connelly,
and she's actually in a brassensemble at the church tonight.
There's all sortsof incredible details.
I mean, I can't waitfor you guys to see it.
It's beautiful.Ooh, Herman, get in here.
Herman?
Being a landlorddoesn't give you the right
to enter your tenant's premisesanytime you feel like it.
I just wanted my friendsto have a look-see.
You were supposed to beat the church performing.
Heavens no.It's next Friday.
We've got a big weekof practice ahead of us.
You terrified the poor woman.
Mrs. Connelly, you can presscharges if you want.
No, I don't want to do that.
They're such a nice couple.Good night, now.
Good night, Mrs. Connelly.
I'm gonna be watchingthe two of you very closely.
- Hey, Alex, right?- Hey, Chick.
How you doing?Brought you a housewarming gift.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Well, look,this is very tasteful stuff.
You know, for couples.
That is so thoughtful.Thank you.
My card's inside "Ass Patrol,"in case you need more.
Take it easy.
- Thanks for the party.- Okay.
I got an award for this one.
She was supposed to beat church.
You can't fire mebecause you got maced.
Believe me.
I wish that's whyI was firing you.
Did you happen to seethe restaurant hot list?
Oh, my God.
So...
How's Mr. Peabody doing?
Alex?
Oh.Oh, no, no, no.
There's no napping right now.
You have to finish your book.We need money. I got fired.
Yeah, I know.I saw it.
Oh, you saw it.
Yeah. It's horrible.My parents read this magazine.
Now they know my penisis called Mr. Peabody.
It wasn't my fault.
She was calling mewhen you were napping.
I wasn't napping,for the 1,000th time!
Okay, maybe I took a napat one point.
When did nappingbecome against the law?
Honey, I can't work here. It'simpossible. I've been trying.
I've written three pagesin the last six weeks.
Three pages.The book is due on Wednesday.
If we don't hand in the book, Idon't know what we're gonna do.
We can't pay for anything.The runners, the stools.
We can't pay for thetangelo bowl you like.
We can't pay for yourlittle happy mug-vase thing.
Well, what if yougot out of the house
and went to write at, like,a Starbucks or something?
And what? You're gonna stay hereand try to find work
while she has you running arounddoing things for her?
Doing all the little errands,the chores she asks you to do?
I don't think you could take it.
I mean, I love you,but, honestly,
I've been there, and I don'tthink you could take it.
I can take it.I'll be fine.
[Brass instruments playing]
Nancy?
- Hello, Mrs. Connelly.- Nancy, dear.
I couldn't help noticing thatAlex left the house this morning
while you stayed home.
I was downsized from my job.
Aw, I'm sorry.
But I'm sure it's for the best.
Let Mr. Rose get out thereand bring home the bacon.
I always thought it was strange.
A husband staying home whileyou were out there providing.
Well, he's a writer.
Writer.
The man naps morethan a newborn pup.
What's he writing about?Sheep?
Is there something,Mrs. Connelly?
Oh, I guess you could saythere was something.
I've got something on displayin me kitchen.
That is not a mouse dropping.
It's a raisin.
That is the leavingsof a mouse.
It's a raisin.
I sprayed it with Lysol.
Ohh.
And she puts on this sweet face,and she acts all innocent.
Nancy, could you help me?
I think I foundthe leavings of a mouse.
As if she didn't knowit was a raisin.
I know.
I've never designedreligious leaflets, per se.
1:00. Great, Rabbi.Thank you so much.
CONNELLY:Nancy?
Okay.
Nancy?
Nancy?Are you down there?
What is it, Mrs. Connelly?
Little Dickey's caughtin the dumbwaiter shaft.
Well, how did he get there?
Aaah!
Oh, don't hurt him.
Oh, ooh, Dickey boy.
Oh, careful.
Aah!
Shame on you.
Scaring a helpless,little macaw like that.
This is not going well.
I told you she's a mean,crafty old lady.
At this rate, I'm never gonnafinish the book in time.
Damn rent control.
I wish we could justkick her out.
What if we triedbeing nice to her?
Maybe we could get her a gift.
- A gift?- Yeah.
And ask her ifshe wouldn't mind leaving.
- We ask her?- Yeah.
Just ask her?
Maybe it'll takea little begging, but nicely.
Well, she might go for begging.
There's a chart that showswhat's inside of each chocolate.
That's all right, dear.
Mrs. Connelly,let me come right to the point.
Alex and I are tryingto have a baby.
I saw.
In the living room.
Right.
The thing is,when we do have our baby,
we're gonna need the upstairs.
I don't understand, dear.
We're willing to pay yousomething.
You want me to leave?
Don't you thinkyou'd be more comfortable
with people who are morein your demographic?
In sunny Miami Beach.
I'm Irish.I'd sizzle up like a sausage.
Besides, this is my home.
Home.
The Emerald Isle, hmm?
Back to the old sod.
Well, now, there's a thought.
I haven't been back homefor 50 years.
Ooh.
A caramel.
So, about Ireland.
And you moving there.
Most likelythey have television now?
Oh.
Of course they do.
Yeah, color.
I've made up me mind.
I'll do...
[Choking]
Mrs. Connelly!
- She's choking!- Oh, God!
- Mrs. Connelly.- Do something!
Oh, God!Ooh, Alex! Alex!
Come on!Come on!
- Yeah, good.- Come on!
Come on!
Whew!
Oh, my God!
Oh!
Clear!
Alex, what are you doing?
CPR!
Wait! Stop it!Stop it!
Oh, God.One, two, three, four, five.
Okay, give her mouth-to-mouth.
- Oh, no. Really?- Yes. Yes, do it!
Okay.
No, you got to blowin her mouth. Come on.
One breath, come on.
One, two, three, four, five.
Okay, again.
Okay, one breath.That's it.
One, two, three, four, five.
Again!
Oh.
[Gasps]
What are you doing?
You were choking on a chocolate.
You choked on a chocolate.
Oh.
Oh. Oh.
Go on, Mrs. Connelly.
The last thing I remember,I ate one of their chocolates.
And when I woke up,he was having his way.
And she was holding me down.
No, I was tryingto save her life.
He stole me drawers oncefor sniffing.
That's ridiculous.
She was choking on thechocolate, so I did...
Shut up!
We keep a list of people likeyou down here at the station.
The sexual predator list.
Sexual predator?
And to thinkthey want to have children.
We should've just let her choke.
Oh, I know.
What can I get you?
Listen, I got 12 hoursto finish this book.
I was wondering if I couldsit here and write all day.
- Be my guest.- Thanks.
CONNELLY:Nancy.
I was going to ring you.
I'm afraid there's a bitof a problem up here.
I have to go on a job interview,so I'll take care of it later.
Oh, that's okay.I'll ring the rug man.
Good.Knock it in.
Knock it in good.
I don't want to slipand break me neck.
No, we wouldn't want that.
This is the problem area here.
It's loose as a Dublin whore.
Oh, go on, knock it in.
Yes!
Now, just knock it in.
Go on, knock.
Come on, use some elbow grease.
Aah!Okay, I will.
You threw her down the stairs?
No.
But I imagined it.
And I liked it.
I'm evil.
I'm a horrible, horrible person.
Thank you.
Come on, she's practicallyruined our lives.
It's natural to have thoughtslike that.
- Really?- Yeah.
I mean, I've even had a couple.
Aaaah!
NANCY:Like what?
Just, you know,snapping her neck
or electrocuting her.
You know,just beating her to death,
decapitating her,
drowning her, just,you know, bludgeoning her,
in a humane way, but...
Dicing her upinto little, little pieces.
But asphyxiating her firstso she didn't feel anything.
I'm glad you clarified that.
You're evil, too.
I'm finished.That's what I am.
And it was incredible.
The last 60 pagesjust poured out of me.
Let's open that really greatchampagne and celebrate.
CONNELLY:Alex?!
Alex?!Nancy?!
[Panting]
Ooh!Come quick.
A huge rat just ranunder me cupboard.
Oh, come.Come on, quick.
Quick, Alex!
- I'll pop the cork.- I'll be right back.
Are you sure it was a rat,Mrs. Connelly?
I saw its face.
You saw its face?
All right, let's see if we can'tfind this big, bad rat.
You sure it might nothave been a dust bunny?
'Cause sometimesthey look rodent-like.
Aah!The rat!
- Where?- There!
Oh.Oh, that's not a rat.
That's likea little field mouse.
Alan!Your purse fell into the fire.
Oh, no.
Alan!
Oh, don't!Oh, don't!
My book!
Ow!
Oh, Alan!
Oh!Oh!
You'll burn yourself!
Door!Nancy, door!
Get the door!Nancy, door!
Is that your book?
Okay.Oh!
- Door!- Okay! Oh, my God!
Oh!
No!No!
- No! No! No!- Alex!
Stop!No, stop!
Aah!No!
No!
I swear she did that on purpose.
MAN ON TELEVISION: And nowhere's tonight's Health Watch.
WOMAN ON TELEVISION: A deadlyvirus has hit New York City.
Doctors warn that thisparticular strain
is extremely dangerousin children under 5
and especially to the elderly.
Symptoms include high fever,
accompanied by nauseaand violent diarrhea.
Mr. Rose?
Would you sprinkle some salton the steps?
They're terribly icy.
You better not go outside then.
Ow!Ow!
Mother...
A giant tow truckruns it over,
followed by an S.U.V.that it was dragging.
Alex, that's horrible.
I know.I know.
Can you believe it?
No, I can't.
I tried to warn you, Alex.
We're canceling every contractthat's in breach.
In breach?I have the crushed PowerBook.
I'm sorry, darling.
If you put as much energyinto your work
as you do into excuses,
you might have madethe deadline.
- Do you have the shark?- MAN: Yes, we do.
Excellent.I'm gonna have that, no bones.
[Man coughing]
[Sniffling]
[Coughing]
Hi.
How do you feel?
Like I'm knockingon death's door.
Well, look who's here.
Come in, both of you.
Hi, Mrs. Connelly.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Oh, thank you.
- How are you?- Oh, I'm grand.
But how are the two of you?
You look rather sallow.
No, no.We're fine.
We brought you some popcorn.
Oh.Oh, how lovely.
I adore popcorn.So does Little Dick.
So, did you have a niceThanksgiving dinner?
Oh, yes, dear.
That lovely Italian ladyin the post office
brought me a sumptuous dinner.
The only problem issome of the carcass
didn't go down the disposal.
That's 'cause you don't havea disposal.
I don't?
It's really stuffed up.
[Gags]
[Coughing]
All right!
If you ask me, you two have gotsome sort of bug.
[Groans]
Thank God Officer Dan took meto have a flu shot last week.
Upchuck is a delicacyfor Little Dick.
He's salivating.
How much can we get, Kenneth?
That depends on how far you'rewilling to drop the price.
First of all, you way overpaid.
And then you got that tenant.
You saidshe was a sweet old lady.
Oh, I can't imagine those wordscoming out of my mouth.
So you're saying that we'restuck in this hellhole?
Yeah. Unless you're willingto take a huge, huge loss.
How huge?
Huge, huge.
We're just totallyscrewed, right?
Yeah. I would sayscrewed is apt.
Do you think that Jean wouldever give you a second chance?
No.No, it's over.
Besides, how could I have timeto rewrite my novel
and still do my faithfulservant duty to her
as her littleindentured servant person,
her little butt boy?
I mean, I got a lot of duties.
'Cause she might need meto count grapes with her
or help her fix her heateror go take her to the laundry.
Or I gotta go help herclean her banana skins
and I gotta go help herclean out her garbage
or go and wipe her ass!
God forbid she should haveany shit hanging off her ass!
- Alex.- No. Really.
'Cause then I gotta runlike a little bunny
and I have to go up there andI gotta go wipe her little ass.
And then I have to go, "Oh,good for you, Mrs. Connelly,
for having such a nice,little poopy.
You got some poopyon your diapie?
Ooh, let me go and clean it offwith my tongue!"
Excuse me, sir.
I mean, enough is enough!
Excuse me.
Off we go, Dickey boy.
Okay.
Okay, come on.We don't have that much time.
I know.She's running errands.
That only gives us 12 hours.
You, there.Me, there.
A little salt in her sugar bowl.
Hey, come check this out!
Roger.
Alex?
Tripped on the rug.I'm all right.
You sure you knowwhat you're doing?
I rewired the lampin your office.
Cool. 'Cause if the shockdoesn't get her,
a little bitof gas poisoning should.
[Exhales sharply]Out goes pilot one.
Out goes pilot two.
An hour at 375 ought to do it.
Did you remember to blow outthe pilot for the oven?
Oh.
Honey.
[Explosion]
[Electricity crackling]
Alex.
The stain is dripping on us.
I know.
Isn't it soothing?
- Alex.- Hi.
We got a water stain downstairs,so I got to look at the pipes.
What has happened to your face?
Oh, I just fell asleep in oneof those tanning machines.
You look like a roast mutton.
How are you doing, mutton head?
I'm almost done.
Ah!
On the average,
she gets up to changethe channel 19 times a night
walking this 48-inch footpath.
By the time she getsto the back end
of that "Hawaii Five-O"marathon,
the acid should have eatenthrough the floorboards.
And we'll finally be happy.
It wasn't our fault,Officer Dan.
You should find the plumber.
- Right?- Right.
[Both laughing]
You know, we might want to geta hotel room just in case.
Sweetie, now that we have a holein the ceiling,
I thought maybe it could bea new place
for the staircase to go.
Yeah.Looks good.
Where are you going?
A little insurance.
Alex, no!Not Mr. Peacock.
Honey, Mr. Peacock's gonna haveto take one for the team, okay?
[Footsteps]
[Creaking]
[People speakingforeign languages]
That's it.
She's watching "Riverdance."
I didn't know people stillwatched "Riverdance."
[Irish music plays]
You know, this is actuallyharder than it looks.
[Screaming]
Holy Mary and Joseph!
I could have fallenright through.
The floorboards here,they're rotten to the core.
Awhile back she hired thisRussian guy to fix the pipes.
And I don't knowif you noticed,
but there's all thiswater damage that he left.
With all due respectto Mr. "D", Alex,
you were up here yourselffiddling with me pipes
a few days ago.
Fiddling with her pipes, huh?
Now, that's another fineright there.
For what?
You can't plumb withouta license in New York City.
Plumb?I can't plumb?
Are you sassing me, Mr. Rose?
He's not sassing you.
Yeah, no, I'm not sassing you.
I'm not.
I didn't think so.
'Cause I knowa city building inspector
that eats chickenshit slumlordslike you for lunch.
You got it?
I get it.You know, slumlord...
And you're gonna buyMiss Connelly a brand-new TV.
In fact, Miss Connelly,I'm gonna pick it out myself.
Oh! Could you get one ofthose clappy things?
It makes my viewingso much easier.
Smoke.Smoke, smoke.
Mesca.Loot, loot.
Gun?
What?
Gun.
Gun?
So this is what it's come to?
I guess so.
I don't thinkI've ever held a gun be...
I think I've got everythingI need here.
We've got an unlicensedgun charge,
and then pendingan investigation...
It was an accident.
It's my experience
that wives don't accidentallyshoot their husbands
in the penis.
And as much as this particularman might deserve it,
spousal abuse is a very seriouscrime in this state.
You two have a good night now.
He thinks you're abusing me.
Well, you did shoot me.
[Curtain opens]
You're very lucky.
Your hand deflected the bullet
away from the tissueof the actual organ
and just nicked the scrotum.
What about the,you know, the berries?
["Sexual Healing" plays]
Oh.
# Wake up, wake up,wake up, wake up #
# Oh, baby, now,let's get down tonight #
You feel that?
Yes.Mm-hmm.
- That's good.- [Music stops]
Okay. I'm gonna runa few more tests,
but I think you should beout of here by tomorrow.
Poor Mr. Peabody.
He took one for the team.
I just think that we're goingabout this murder thing
all wrong.
You think?!
Maybe we should justkeep it simple.
This is so not simple.
Yeah, but you know
she triple chain-locksthe front door at night.
A little more,a little more. Okay.
Where is she?
Maybe she's in her chair.
You caught me.
I can't help but sneak a fagonce in a blue moon.
We...
We thoughtthat you might be cold,
so we brought youan extra pillow.
Oh, such consideration.
So unlike the other landlords.
Many have passedthrough the dwelling below,
but I just knowyou two have come to stay.
Officer Dan put inme new television.
52 inches.
And he gave methese noise boxes,
there and by me chair.
So it's like I'm in the cinema.
Oh, it's going to beso wonderful here.
You two lovelies...
me...
Officer Dan.
We're going to beone big, happy family.
The Irish have a saying
that it's unlucky to come inone door and go out of another.
Something to do with the dead.
Evil spirits and the like.
Good night now.
Do you know what, dears?
I think I've enough warmthas it is.
Night.
That was, without question,
the weirdest 7 minutesof my life.
[Claps twice,television blaring]
[Screaming]
Captain Connelly battled wavestwice the size of that!
Didn't he, Little Dick?
[Rumbling]
[Man on television shouting]
We're just gonna be one big,happy family!
[Laughing]
What?!Is it us?!
Are we doing such a bad jobof trying to kill her?!
It's not our fault!She's a freak of nature!
Hey! I thought you were supposedto get rid of these.
I did!
It's strange.I don't know how that got there.
Yeah, right.
"Ass Patrol"!
Hand me that "Ass Patrol."
Now, depending on her mood,
she could be watching TVover here
or sneaking a cigaretteover there.
I realize this isjust horribly cluttered.
When we get in there, we'regonna go for a cleaner look.
It's...
Sorry.
What's the easiest wayinto this hag's place?
Well, we found the dumbwaiterto be rather effective.
Yeah, and you really don't haveto pull that hard to climb it.
You know, we could even leavethe back door open for you.
So, Chick, how much is thisgonna set us back?
25K.
O... 2... Okay.
'Cause we had hada slightly different figure
in our heads.
We were thinking maybe somethinga little closer to, like...
half a "K."
The bottom-line pricefor wet work is $25,000.
Okay.
When do you thinkyou could do it?
I'll do it Thursday night.
- Christmas Eve?- Yeah.
I got a little function.Then I'll swing by.
Put the cash in the dumbwaiter.
- Got it?- Got it.
- Okay.- Cool.
Don't forget your computer.
Thank you so much.
Good night.
Okay, now all we needis $25,000.
"Piper grabbed the leash of theonly partner he'd ever known,
and the private eye and hisJack Russell headed downtown.
'I guess it's just one of thosethings worth killing for, huh?"'
WOMAN: We'll take a breakand come back for some Q&A.
Dental surgery.
$25,000?!
The thing is,with Nancy losing her job,
and with the mortgage and nowwith me losing my book contract,
things have gotten desperate,
and I wouldn't even be askingif it wasn't serious.
[Footsteps]
[Door slams]
Did you get the money?
No. He didn't thinkI needed it.
But I did get a nice,new, signed first edition
for my collection.
He wrote it in 4 days.Want to know how?
Listen to this.Let's see.
"Her hair was bright yellow
like the color of your peeafter you take a multivitamin."
It's a nice metaphor, asshole!
Stupid, freaking asshole!
I hate you and your stupidDon Piper mystery
and your stupid pregnant wifewho's gonna have a little baby
that has a freaking six-packbecause its mother never eats!
Honey.
Honey, we're gonna getthat money.
How?
How are we gonna get $25,000in two days?
["It's Beginning to LookLike Christmas" plays]
# It's beginning to looka lot like Christmas #
No.
Not Mr. Peacock.
# Take a lookin the five-and-ten #
# Glistening once again #
# With candy canesand silver lanes aglow #
# It's beginning to looka lot like Christmas #
# Christmas #
# Toys in every store #
# Ooh #
# But the prettiest sightto see #
# Is the holly that will be #
# On your own front door #
[Hinges creaking]
[Zipper zips]
[Buzzer sounds]
CHILDREN: # Jingle bells,jingle bells #
# Jingle all the way #
# Oh, what fun it is to ride #
# In a one-horse open sleigh,hey! #
# Jingle bells, jingle bells #
# Jingle all the way #
# Oh, what funit is to ride... #
# Jingle bells, jingle bells #
# Jingle all the way #
# Oh, what funit is to ride... #
ALL:Merry Christmas!
That's good, kids.That is good.
Now, you save those voicesfor the neighbors, okay?
Officer Dan,what a pleasant surprise.
What can we do for you?
I have cookiesI want to take to Miss Connelly.
Oh, okay.Oh, that's nice.
No.I'll take them up myself.
I'll bring them up for you.
If you don't mind...
I don't...
I don't think she's evenup there.
She's not, so you should justleave it at the door.
[Snoring]
Hey!Cut that out.
Stop it.Hey!
Stop it!What the heck is going on?
There are kids here.
I knew there was domestic abusein this house.
I'm gonna come backin 10 minutes.
Come on, kids.Let's go.
Good save.
[Little Dick squawks]
I knew they'd send a brute.
[Screaming]
Aah!You shot me!
I've got you, you brute!
Who are ya, bringing a knifeto a gunfight?
Let go of me!
What's he doing?
He's doing his job.
If you want to dance with me,
you've gotta buy mea drink first.
Is that smoke?!
Get off me, you crazy bitch!
[Squawking]
[Coughing]Wait, wait.
What?What?
Here we go.You all right?
Yeah.Where's Little Dickey?
Dickey, Dickey.Here you go.
Here, here.
Oh, Dick.
[Siren wailing]
Dickey.
Hello.
Never thought you had it in you.
Thank God I boughtthat fire extinguisher.
We were justtrying to help her out.
Her and Little Dickey.
I'll just write this citation upfor electricity.
Thank you.Thanks.
KENNETH: Believe it or not,I need two more autographs,
and that will be it.
- So how's the new place?- It's cute.
I'll tell you, the Bronxis an up-and-coming borough.
You didn't lie, Kenneth.It all looks incredible.
I told you they'd fix it up,didn't I?
Friedmans, meet Alex and Nancy.
- Hi.- Hey.
We can't thank you enough.
This is just a dream house.It's so quiet.
Honey, won't this be perfectfor your sleep disorder?
I'm drowsy already.
Hey, who wants to run upstairsand say hello?
Well, we should get going.
We should.We have to...
Yeah.
Nonsense!
You pulled the womanout of a burning building.
You'd break her heartif you didn't say goodbye.
Come on!
Mrs. Connelly,I brought you a surprise!
Mrs. Connelly!!
The hearing on this one.
Look who's here.She's asleep.
Sweetheart.
She's stiff as a board.
No.She's just hard-of-hearing.
Mrs. Connelly!
["Hawaii Five-O" theme plays]
She's dead.
Oh, poor thing.
No.
She can't be dead.
I guess it was just her time.
Come on, I'll callthe Friedmans.
You don't have to stay herefor this.
Come.Come, come, come.
Must have beenall the excitement.
I can't believe it.
She was so full of life.
I mean, for all our differences,
that old lady really hada lot of spunk.
A lot of it.
Do you think she's up in heaven?
Well, I'll tell you something.
Wherever she is,she's in a better place.
You should have seen their faceswhen I said she was a goner.
So cheap, though I wishI could have been there.
Trust me.
It wasn't easy holdingme breath all that long.
Next time, I want a bigger cutof your commission, Kenny.
What are you talking about?We give you everything, Ma.
There's barely enough left
for Danny and I to havea cruise to the Caribbean.
I'm the one puttingme caboose on the line.
Oh, come on.
You had it easywith Alex and Nancy.
They were a nice couple.I do hope they'll be all right.
Ah, they'll be fine.
He's a writer.They thrive on adversity.
I hope his next book is betterthan his last one.
Maybe this time he'll writeabout something he knows.
NARRATOR:Alex and Nancy's dream house
may have beentoo good to be true.
But did they livehappily ever after?
Well, read the book.
[Claps twice]