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On the day I was bornThe nurses all gathered round
And they gazed in wide wonderAt thejoy they had found
The head nurse spoke upSaid "Leave this one alone"
She could tell right awayThat I was bad to the bone
Bad to the bone
[sound of rapid gunfire]
Bad to the boneBad to the bone
Let's move out!
B-b-b-b badB-b-b-b bad
Bad to the bone
When I walk the streetsKings and queens step aside
When I meet themThey all stay satisfied
I wanna tell you this, babyWhere I see I make my home
I'm here to tell ya, honeyThat I'm bad to the bone
My arm! I've been shot!
Let me take a Iook at that
Want me to show you a Iittle trick?Take your mind off that arm?
Give me your handYou may feel a Iittle pressure
[agonised cry]
My finger! My finger!
Works every time
Well, I'm bad to the boneBad to the bone
B-b-b-b badB-b-b-b bad
B-b-b-b badBad to the bone
You had better give up, senorYou cannot kiII us aII
Nope, but I can clean your colon out
quicker than one of them burritoswith extra guacamole sauce
Bad to the boneB-b-b-b bad
B-b-b-b badB-b-b-b bad
At ease, Payne
Relax Do you know why you're here?
Sir, no, sir!
The promotion board reportcame out Iast week
This is the new Lieutenant Colonel IistYour name is not on it
You get two chances to advancethen we gotta show you the hatch
Base Admin is cuttingyour discharge orders right now
General, are you tryin' to teII mein aII this man's military
there's no room Ieftfor a trained weapon of destruction?
Fighting is no Ionger doneon the battlefields
Now aII the blood is shed in Congress
Boys Iike us are becoming dinosaurs
Gotta be somebody need some kiIIin'
I'm sorry, Major, there's no one Ieft
You've kiIIed 'em aII Good Iuck
[Payne] It's been two whole weekssince I killed me a man
and already I'm startin' to get the itch
Problem is, I ain't got nothin' to scratch
God, I'm hungry
Hungry for action
Hungry for blood
Hell, I'm just plain ol' hungry
[cat meows and he hisses]
Feel I'm gettin' weaker
while Charlie's growin' strongerin thejungle
I can't lose my edge
I gotta keep my strength upGotta maintain discipline
Because the hard reality was
I gotta get a job
And what better place than somewhere
that would allow me to employmy skills as a trained killer?
Mister Payne?
This is a dramatisationof a domestic violence dispute
You arrive to find a woman,played by Ms Goodman
Ma'am
claiming to have been assaultedby her husband, Mr Shipman
- Happy to meet you- Same here
Your objective is to effectivelyneutralise the situation
Neutralise
Begin
He hit me!
- You Iike to beat women?- Officer, I
Don't never hit her again!
- Hear me?- I can I
[electronic door buzzer]
Payne, what happened?You've only been out one week
It's civilian Iife, sir I had a minor setback
I made some caIIsand I got you an assignment
It's not great, you understand,but it gets you back in the military
[Payne] So after two and a haIf weeksof livin' a civilian puke's existence,
I was back in uniform, back in the corps
Back to the sweet smellof mustard gas and killin'
Little did I know what awaited for me
I've toured 1 1 separate engagements,from Iraq to Haiti,
but nothin' I did would prepare mefor this newest assignment
I was told it would bemy greatest challenge
It was sure to be a living hell
[tannoy] The Glee Clubwill be meeting at 330
[bell]
Will the teachersplease report to the quad
for the science fairjudging
[woman] Tiger? Tiger, come back hereI'm not gonna chase you
- What you runnin' from, boy?- She's tryin' to give me a shot!
You don't Iike needles?
Want me to show you a Iittle trick,take your mind off that pain?
Here, gimme your hand
Now, you may feel a Iittle bit of pressure
Hi, I'm Emily Walburn, the schooIcounseIIor You must be Major Payne
That's a mighty fine handshakeyou got there
You wanna wrestle?
No, thanks I wrestle with these kids aII day
This one's usuaIIy my big helperCome on, Tiger Nice meeting you, Major
Nice meetin' you, miss ma'am
Tiger! Tiger, come back here!
I'm not gonna chase you
Mmm
- [knocking]- Come in
Major Payne reportin' for duty, sir!
[buzzing]
What?
Major Payne The new commandant?
Oh, right
You're in charge of the green boys
Come again?
The green boysThey wear those green things
You know, it's funny, when they standin front of bushes, I can't see them
Why are you here?
The ROTC programme I understandyou've been placin' Iast eight years runnin'
in the Virginia Military GamesI am here to remedy that
We have an ROTC programme?
- The green boys, sir- Oh, right
Between us, I don't carewhat you do with those boys,
as Iong as you keep them out of my hair
Is that aII?
Would you Iike a campus tour?
No I'd Iike to see my men
FaII in! Move it, you idiots! Let's go!
Come on, WiIIiams! Let's move itGet a hop on it, boy!
Move!
FaII in, everyone! FaII in! Let's go!Come on, people! Move!
Hustle, hustle, hustle! Let's go Giddy-up!
Let's go!
Sir, the squad is formed, sir!
Carry on
[rhythmic clapping]
My nameis Major Benson Winifred Payne
As of 0800
I am replacin' Major Frankfurt
as your commanding officer
[half-hearted booing]
[rapid gunfire]
See now, what we have here
is a failure to communicate
Do not attempt
to chaIIenge my authority!
I have eight weeksto turn you gaggle of maggots
into a weII-disciplined cadet unit
From this day forward,
your sorry asses belong to me
You wiII not eat, sleep, drink,
blow your nose or even dig in your buttswithout my say-so!
Know this KiIIin' is my business, Iadies,
and business is good!
Boo-hoo
- What?- I have to go to the bathroom
- You hold it, turd- I can't!
I said hold it, or I'II break that offand kick it around on the ground
Now, be advised, Iadies,
we are going to winthe Virginia Military Games!
I said win Whiskey, Indian, November
Get used to the sound of that word!
- Major Payne!- What, boy? What, what, what?
I did somethin' bad
You nasty Iittle worm!
Go change your Huggies, boy,and be back here pronto!
Stop that cryin'! You'II get no pity from me!
You think your tears'II stop Charliefrom takin' his bayonet
and stickin' it in your Iittle tiny heart?
What the heII was that,you Iittle freckle-faced cartoon?
Did I give you permission to sneeze?
- No, sir- Then you hold it in, you big-eared turd,
otherwise I'II kick your assback to Mayberry!
I see we have a sickly boy on our hands
We're gonna have to boostyour immune system!
Drop down, give me 25 push-ups now!
- Count 'em out!- One, sir
Two, sir
[snorting]
Breep-breep-breep
What are you Iaughin' at, pig-boy?Find a piece of candy in your pocket?
- No, sir!- What's your name, tubby?
- Heathcoat, sir!- Heathcoat
You know, you remind me of the doughboy
If I poke your stomachwiII it make you go ?
[he triIIs]
I'm gonna help youmake room for Iunch, bacon-boy
Drop down, give me 30 sit-upsright now! Let's go!
Count 'em out! Let me see that beIIy roII
One, tubby, tubby!
- One, sir- Come on, pork chop!
- Two, chubby, chubby!- Two, sir
You's a pure genius!Who are you? Redd Foxx?
No, better yet You Richard Pryor, ain't you?
What's your name, girlfriend?
Dwight WiIIiamsThe boys caII me D, so caII me D
- D?- Yeah, brother?
- Like how I handle these white boys?- Oh, yeah!
Make you feel goodto see a black man runnin' things?
- Malcolm X- Let me teII you somethin' , D
- Yeah, brother?- Come closer
I am not your damn brother!
Now drop down,give me 20 squat thrusts now!
- One, sir- What are you Iookin' at, ass-eyes?
- Nothing, sir!- You plottin' on me, boy?
- No, sir!- WeII, let me teII you somethin'
Let me teII you aII somethin'War has made me very paranoid!
And when a man eyebaIIs meit make my Agent Orange act up
and I get the urge to kiII Understand?
Sir, yes, sir!
- Do you aII understand me?- Sir, yes, sir!
- I can't hear you- Sir, yes, sir!
And what is your damage, muscle-head?
You stupid? You ignorant?Or you just plain ol' deaf?
Yes, sir ActuaIIy, he is deaf
Oh Thank you
Now drop down, give me 25 morefor speakin' out of Iine!
- One, sir- I'm sorry, Mr Handicapped Man
I didn't mean to offend youDo you speak sign Ianguage?
Can you read Iips?Let me break it down
If you don't answer me when I speak to you,
I'm gonna put my foot in your ass!Is that clear, dummy?
Sir, yes, sir
Hold on, guys Wait!
Wait Hey, guys! Don't start without me!
Come on! Wait, hold on
Coming
HeIIo, gorgeous Welcome to my party
You know, you're out of uniform there,Mr FonzareIIi
WeII, I Iike this Iook better,General Admiral, whatever
It's Major, boy
Looks Iike we got another majoron our hands here, guys!
[aII giggling] Uh-oh! Major! Ooh, Major!
What's your name, girlie-mouth?
Cadet AIex Stone, sir! Yes, sir!
Hey-ho, sir!
I'm glad to see you got a sense of humourSo do I
Heh-heh-heh (!)
From now on, my Iittle groupof scrotum sacs,
you wiII strive to be Iike me
You wiII walk Iike me, talk Iike me
and until you win those games,
you wiII be bald Iike me!
- Way to go this time, AIex- Dotson, take these men for 2 hours of PT!
Yes, sir! First exercisewiII be the side straddle hop!
Squad ready Exercise, one, two, three!
Come on, bacon-boy! Come on!
- [Dotson] Ready, squad!- [boy] Why don't you sit down and shut up?
[Dotson] I'm writin' you up, buddy!That's it, no more of this!
[boy] You're scaring me!
HeIIo, Miss Walburn
Major Payne, could you pleasehelp me to understand
why you shaved the children bald?
Oh, that's my Iittle incentive programme
These boys have to earn their due
Their hairdo, that is Hee-hee-hee
Do they have to earntheir bathroom privileges, too?
What do you want, Mr Pee-body?
He's upset about this morningApparently he had a Iittle accident
Apparently he pissedaII over the front of his pants
WeII, maybe that's because he's six
'Cause he's six? Woman, when I was sixI had a fuII-time job
WeII, I told him that you havesomething that you'd Iike to say to him
You think I owe you an apology?
Want me to take back some of thosemean and hurtful Iittle things I said?
OK
I'm sorry you're just a Iittle turd
that can't hold your Iiquid out in public
Now get outta my face before I pickyou up and toss you out that window!
Major, have you ever donethis kind of work before?
Woman, under this here hat
I've trained 20,432 combat kiIIin' machines
WeII, that's just my point
Now you're dealing with children,and children have speciaI needs
Do you know whatpositive reinforcement means?
Like when you take a PoWand snap his neck after you torture him
so he don't have to go through Iifewith a colostomy bag?
Sort of
I'd Iike to make a suggestion
Why don't you and I become partners
in the emotional growth and developmentof these Iittle ones?
What do you say?
Can you be my big helperand help me do that?
[baby voice] Yes
Good
Why do I feel Iike a jackass?
[children giggling]
[boy] Look at that baldie!
Your head's shaped Iike a bowling baII!
Nazi, fascist pig! I know where I'II shavehim! Damn Major Payne!
Didn't want you to be my brother!
Most of the body heattravels through the head I'II get sick
And if I'm sick I throw up
That damn Payne's alreadygetting on my nerves
Turd this, turd thatWho the heII does he think he is?
- Just shut up- You teIIin' me to shut up?
Shut your damn mouth and stop eatin'aII that damn candy, you fat pig
I Iook Iike Curlyfrom The Three Stooges
Did I say you could touch my bed?
- No- Then get off
Ow!
Payne's gonna kiII usYou know I have a heart condition
I'm not sure he's familiarwith my medical history
Let's go, let's go! Come on, move it!Saddle up that horsey and ride!
You ever hear of knocking, Dotson?
You won't have to worry about thatI have good news for you, assholes
- Pack your bedding and your kit! Let's go!- Where to?
HeIIo, cue baIIs!Welcome to the house of Payne
- Gotta be kidding- A squad that Iives together wins together
Unity, turdsThat is the key word in "unit", without the Y
Tiger, Leland,you wiII reside at the ROTC buildin'
The rest of you garbage,grab a rack and settle in
Let's move out
EyebaII me again, I'II snatch it outand put it in Heathcoat's cookie bag
- It's so damp What about my aIIergies?- You know how far away the kitchen is?
- Why can't I stay?- 'Cause I said so
- Major Payne, sir- What?
Sir, I think I speak for everyone when I saythat this place is unacceptable, sir
[general agreement]
ReaIIy?
- Love my barracks night and day- Love my barracks night and day
- Won't complain that's where I'll stay- Won't complain that's where I'll stay
- Good plan this time, AIex- Shut up
AII right, my Iittle patch of Brussels sprouts,
uproot yourselves, climb out the pool,get some rest You'II need it
Tomorrow, Iadies,we gonna start the hard stuff
The hard stuff?
[thunder]
Let's move it, you turds!You'II get no sympathy from me!
You want sympathy, Iook in thedictionary between shit and syphilis!
That's where you'II find my sympathy!
This ain't no walk in the park!Move it! Hustle, hustle!
Hey, Dumbo! You should be flying throughthose tubes with them big-ass ears!
Yeah, Dumbo! FIy, baby, fly!
WiIIiams! TeII Marlee Matlin's sonif he don't get across that rope,
- I'II hang him with it!- He'II hang you with it!
Heathcoat!
You get your fat body over that waII!
- Take your fat, pork-chop body- You shut up
Nobody's Ieavin' until the averagefor this squad is one minute 20 seconds!
Come on, he can't do it! Leave him alone
I can barely do it It's slippery out here
SIippery, he say! You think Charliecare anything about slippery?
AII he knows is slit your throatWhat if this was a Iife-or-death situation?
But it's not a Iife-or-death situation
It is now
One Mississippi Two Mississippi
Come on, guys! What, are you crazy?It's just a dummy grenade
Who's the dummy now?
- So what is it, exactly?- Concentrated thiamine
- What the heII is that?- It's a super-Iaxative
This here'II pack enough punchto take out an entire footbaII team
Payne'II never get off the canHe'II be makin' beef stool tiII graduation
Payne'II never know what hit him
KiII!
- Major Payne, sir?- Can't you see I'm eatin', turd?
There's a caII for you, sir
He's coming! He's coming!
Mm
Mmm Mm-mm
[a gurgle]
[Iiquid gurgling]
Hm
[breaking wind]
Damn! He nearly put you in a coma
It can't be Iegal the way he's beentreating us Let's just teII PhiIIips
Nah, that senile old fool ain't gonna help us
What kind of shootin' is that? Hey, dummy!What's the matter, you can't see, either?
We gotta get rid of thatson of a bitch Listen
we're gonna have to provethat Payne did something so vile,
so perverse, so disgusting
that PhiIIips wiII have no choicebut to fire him
Like what?
- Why me?- Because you have got the biggest tits
- [Iaughter]- Sh sh
- Why not Wuligar?- Wuligar's gotta take the pictures
[snoring]
It's been four hours He hasn't blinked
I'm teIIing you, these Special Forces guyscan sleep with their eyes open
Trust me
- What happened to the other dress?- This one's prettier
[sniggering]
- Shut up, Brian!- Sh! WiIIiams, go
Man, you sure about this?He Iooks awake to me
No, I checked on that
Watch this Yo, turd-sniffer Maggot-face!
See? He's dead to the world
Let's go
- Get in- Can't I just stand beside the bed?
Get in
Get in!
- Now put your head on his shoulder- Are you crazy?
Do it!
CIoser
Now, now put your arm around him
Good Now hold it Hold it
OK
HeIIo, Betty
[aII scream]
- Got no worry, got no stress- Got no worry, got no stress
- 'Cause we feel good in a dress- 'Cause we feel good in a dress
- Major Payne's a major dis- Major Payne's a major dis
- Makes us squat when we piss- Makes us squat when we piss
- Got no worries, got no care- Got no worries, got no care
[repeat] I'm just a bald-headedson of a bitch without hair
- Used to be Samson, now I'm Ann- Used to be Samson, now I'm Ann
- Gotta earn my right to be called a man- Gotta earn my right to be called a man
I'II teII you, Iadies, you're the purtiest unitever underneath my command!
Maybe I'II have to change my nameto Pimp Daddy Payne!
[Miss Walburn] Major!
- What are the boys doing in those dresses?- Puttin' on a fashion show
[mocking Iaughter]
I thought we had a Iittle talkabout this kind of negative reinforcement
Weren't you gonna be my big helper?
Yeah, but they started it
- WeII, I'm stopping it- Don't touch my whistle
- I was just gonna- Don't touch the whistle
AII right, Iadies! Take off those dressesHead to your barracks Fold 'em up neatly
Let's move it
Good day, Miss Walburn
Do you really think this approach is the bestway to gain the trust of these boys?
They may not Iike mebut they wiII respect me
Let me be more direct They hate you
Good It'II draw them close together,make 'em a team
- That's a very cynical plan- Yeah, but it won't backfire
Here I would Iike you to consideran alternative approach
I want you to have this bookRead it, apply it
The ABCs of the Loving Male Role ModelI don't need your book
- Take it- I don't want it
PIease, Major?
OK
[mocking Iaughter]
Shut up
- I got a plan to get rid of that son of a bitch- What is it?
- It's gonna cost us How much you got?- Twenty
- I got 25- Put me down for 40
- AII right, we're takin' out Payne tomorrow!- Yeah!
"Love is the key to understanding"
"Bee a good Iistener"
"Bee sensitive to their needs"
WeII, hello, Miss Walburn
I just came by to let you knowWuligar has a slight temperature
so you might not wantto torture him this evening
I wiII be sensitive to his needs
Have you been reading the book?
I might have glanced at it once or twice
Oh, weII, that's very good!I'm very proud of you, Major
Oh, it ain't hard bein' sensitive
- He's back! He's back!- Who's back?
The man who Iives in my closet
Boy, get on outta here with that"I'm scared of the dark" crap Go on, get!
Sensitive
HeIIo, there, feIIaYou know what you're havin'?
It's caIIed a nightmareYou know what a nightmare is?
WeII, that's aII this is
Now, you run back to your room
before that man jump out the closetand chop your Iittle head off
Sensitive
You caII that being sensitive?
Let me give you a Iittle history on KevinDunne Both of his parents are dead
Car accident, 1 989
Lived in the Chelsea orphanagetiII 1 991 when the school adopted him
I know aII about it
Then you should also knowthat the Iast thing he needs right now
is a sadistic father figurescaring the Iife out of him
Maybe what he need
is for you to pop your titty out his mouthand let the boy grow up
Excuse me? What did you say?
I didn't stutter
I said "Pop your titty out his mouth
and stop babyin' him!"
I don't caII it babying, I caII it nurturing
And I caII it neutering
And I caII you an insecure,overbearing, psychopathic,
dictatorial, egomaniacal, frigid,Iunatic asshole!
I ain't frigid
He's stiII there!
You wanna see nurturin'?
He's in there?
- If he's stiII there, he ain't happy- What was that?
Major Payne just terminated that bad manwith extreme prejudice!
And if he's stiII in there, he ain't happy!
You run on back to bed That bad manain't gonna bother you no more
Thank you, Major
I Iove you
- What's your angle? You plottin' on me?- No, sir!
- I can snap your neck in 20 places!- Major, Major! It's OK!
He's just trying to show you some affection
I don't Iike it
Make me feel aII funny
- Good night, Miss Walburn- Good night, Major
- Where is he?- He'd better get here
AIex!
[horn]
- Did you do it?- How much did it cost?
I did it I did it
Squad! Attention!
Let's go, maggots FoIIow my Iead!
- Payne's not here, he's in our ass- Payne's not here, he's in our ass
- Butt's so tight he can't pass gas- Butt's so tight he can't pass gas
- Sound off- One, two
- Sound off- Three, four
Break it on down
Break it on down, break it on down
You Iike to rhyme, boy?
What's your name? Bushwick BiII?
No, let me guess You Snoop Diggety Dogg
Turds! Front-Ieanin' rest position Move!
I'm gonna teach youhow I rhyme military style!
One!
Don't you feel dumb?
Two! Look at you
Three Don't you ever make no jokesabout me behind my back
otherwise I stomp you in the ground!
AII right, Iadies
Hey, Dunne You missed aII the fun
That's another rhyme
AII right, we're headin' out to the fieldfor two hours of weapons driII
Yo, Payne!
You Payne?
I got somethin' to say to you
Fee-fi-fo-fum
What beanstalk you faII from?
I heard you've been givin' these boysa hard time
In fact, I heard you couldn't cut itin the real man's military!
You thinkin' about Ieaving yet?
ActuaIIy, I think the party just begun
What I'm gonna do is take this right footand put it across the Ieft side of your face
Don't give me that BiIIy Jack buIIshit!
You said you were gonnahit me in the face!
What, you caIIin' me a Iiar?
Oh, children
Somebody's gonna answerfor this blood from my Iip
I want names
I wanna know who's responsible
Don't aII run at once
I guess nobody's responsible
Guess I just had that one a-comin'
WeII, you know what y'aII got comin'?
Seven 23-hour daysfuII of fun and adventure
I'm gonna make you boys strong!
Sir
Yes, turd?
- It was me, sir I hired him- WeII, that's one death warrant signed
Do I have any more volunteers?What about you, brown-nose?
I acted alone, sir The rest of the squadwas unaware of my activities
That's a pretty bold move there, Mr Stone
What do you think I oughta do with you?
- I don't know, sir- You don't know
I guess you should probably expel me, sir
What, and send you on a vacation?
- Dotson!- Sir, yes, sir!
You are no Ionger the squad Ieader
Stone You are now cadet sergeant
If these men winthe Virginia Military Games,
it'II be becauseyou have Ied them to a victory
If they Iose, it'II be because you failed them
- I don't accept that responsibility- It's not negotiable
If I'm the new squad Ieader,my first order is to screw you, sir!
What'd you say to me, turd?
Why don't you go back to heII,where you came from?
Boy, I am two seconds from bein' on you
Iike white on rice on a paper platein a snowstorm!
I wiII put my foot so far up your ass
the water on my kneewiII quench your thirst
Try it
- You want me gone, boy?- Yes, sir
I said, "Do you want me gone, soldier?"
Yes, sir!
Then you meet meoutside the ROTC buildin' at 21 00 hours
You Iadies want me gone,you'II get your chance
Where is the first-place trophyfrom the Virginia Military Games?
WeIIington Academy, sir!
I want that trophy
If you turds can bring me that trophy,I wiII resign my command
This is a black op, gentlemen
If you are discovered,I wiII deny aII knowledge
and you wiII pay the price
That is my deaI
Do you accept it?
Sir, yes, sir
Then bring me my trophy
AII right, this is our big chanceto get rid of Payne
Two miles to WeIIingtonLet's get it outta there as fast as we can
Let's hustle, move it! Go! Go, go!
- This is your Iast chance, Dotson- You think I'd help you make me Iook bad?
Anyway, I've caIIed my dad I'm Ieavin'this stupid school Bye, have a good time
- Where you goin'?- The black op
You can't come, you're too Iittle Why don'tyou stay here and guard the base?
[Tiger crying]
What's the matter with you, boy?
They won't let me go on no black opThey say I'm too Iittle
No one lets you do anythingwhen you're too Iittle
Ah, phooly!
What about aII those stories aboutthe Iittle people that do big things?
Like Little Red Riding Hood,them three Iittle pigs
Spike Lee, or them Little Rascals
You ever hear the storyabout the Little Engine That Could?
Let me teII you that story
Once upon a time, deep, deep in the jungle,
there was a Little Engine That Could
He was chuggin' his wayacross the enemy Iine
[makes chugging sound]
Toot-toot!
This Iittle engine's missionwas to take some AK-47s
and a nuclear payloadover the mountain to the 2063 Battalion
Needless to say,there was plenty opposition
Did that stop the Little Engine That Could?
No, siree, Bob He just kept chuggin' along
[makes train engine sounds]
Toot-toot!
Not even when they climbedaboard the train
and popped out the eyes of the conductor,
and blood and snotwas drippin' out his eye sockets
Did that stop the Little Engine That Could?
Damn skippy He just kept chuggin' along
[train engine sounds]
Toot-toot!
It wasn't until Charlie rigged a bridgewith plastic explosives
just as the Little Enginewas makin' his way across the trestle
Boom!
An explosion happened And blood and gutsand spit and ass was everywhere
And Bubba come crawlin' outthe back door, both Iegs missin'
Lula May's baby boy!
He Iook up at me, he said, "Payne,
I can't feel my Iegs"
I said, "Bubba, they ain't there"
And I Iooked down, and them Iittle bloodynubs was kickin' real fast, Iike this here
And I said,"Bubba, it's 30 miles to the nearest town"
"Unless you flip upside down and walkon your hands, you ain't gonna make it"
AII of a sudden,Charlie was aII over the place!
It was just me and my side-arm
And I had no other alternativebut to blast my way out
[blood-curdling screams]
"Die, pig, die! You'II never takeMajor Benson Winifred Payne alive!"
"I saw what you did to my friend!"
Major! Major! Major!
HeIIo, Miss Walburn
You just missed a Iittle bedtime story
No, I didn't, actuaIIy
In fact, I'd Iove to talkto you about that story
Perhaps over dinner?
OK
OK I'II go get ready
- Me too- OK
OK
Right, bye
To be continued When I come back,I'II teII you what Bubba used as a penis
[ Zhane: Hey, Mr DJ]
So we could all get downWhere's the party, hey, Mr Dj?
Hey, Mr Dj,You can get this started
Everybody's ready to partyAll night, all night
All the girls are readySo we can all get to it
So we can party till the break of dawn, oh
Once again, it's on! Zahne, blow the hornLet the Dj know to keep playing your song
Maybe I'll browse, snatch up the blouseRip the foul, ho
And get rub-a-dub styleCuz your body won't move
If it can't feel the grooveSo can't boogie, have to show and prove
Hey, now I'm feeling the vibeRollin' with the flava
[gobbling sounds]
WeII, ain't you gonna eat?
I think I'II wait a momentMy stomach's a Iittle upset
Them some mighty fine victualsWouldn't let 'em go to waste
You know, I think you're makingsome wonderful strides
with the way you're dealingwith the children
That was almost a really good thingyou tried to do for Tiger tonight
May I make a suggestion?
Proceed
WeII, your story, while colourful
bit rough
You mean the explosion?
Yes, and the eye-gouging part
You need to Ioosen upNot everything can be about war
What do you Iike to do for fun?
I Iike to hang upside down blindfolded,
take my gun apart and put it back togetherbefore my nose starts to bleed
Oh, that's great!
Is there anything you Iikethat isn't to do with battle?
- Like what?- Like golf
Negative
Do you Iike to go to the movies?
Negative
I don't suppose you dance?
I've been known to cut a Iittle rug in my day
[ 2 Live Crew: Pop That Coochie]
There's only one place where we can goTo see freaky girls doing shows
Doing tricks that make us holler
Ain't you gonna dance?
Benson
They'll do anything to turn us onThem girls got it goin' on!
Benson, nobody does the robot any more
Then I guess I gotta dig furtherinto my repertoire
How hard? Hard like a rockWhen you make that coochie pop!
Hey, pop that CoochieHey, pop that coochie, baby
Pop that coochieHey, pop that coochie, baby
Pop that coochiePop, pop that coochie, baby
Pop-pop the coochiePop, pop the coochie, baby
Freaky girls with plenty of classRollin' to the music and shakin' real fast
Bend over backwards, make me shoutAnd work that body, in and out
Movin' their body with plenty of actionBringin' to the men more satisfaction
Doin' what they feel to turn us outjust work that body all the way out!
Shake it! Don't break it!It took your momma nine months to make it
Bend over and spread 'em, girlShow me those coochie pearls
Bend that butt and don't you quitThen blow me a freaky kiss
Girl, you know you look so cute
WiIIiams, you take these guysand fan out the Ieft flank of the school Go!
Wuligar, you take these twoand cover the right Got it?
Got it Come on!
[man] Ahem
Don't move
[boys yeII]
Madison is a Ioser!
Man, get in there
AII right? And thenhis chest cavity exploded
Boom! Hee-hee
You know, that was the first timeI ever drove a man's nose up into his brain,
causin' instant deathand simultaneous bowel evacuation
But enough about me, womanWhat's your story?
I'm surprised you ain't droppedabout 1 2 puppies by now
Ain't you never been married?
Yeah, I was
What happened?You terminate his command?
No ActuaIIy, he Ieft
I wanted children, he didn't
Any man that'd Ieave yououghta be monkey-stomped
and have his brainsmailed back to his mother
WeII, thank you, Benson
How about you?Was there ever a Mrs Payne?
Negative I figured if the Marines wanted meto have a wife, they'd have issued me one
WeII, I had a really nice timetonight, Benson
Heck, bein' with youis almost better than cleanin' my gun
- I got somethin' for you- Oh, what is it?
It's a bullet
It's somethin' speciaI
It's from my heart
ReaIIy? WeII, where'd you get it?
From my heart Left ventricleI took it out myseIf with a field knife
And I want you to have that
Thank you, Benson
Goodnight
Goodnight, princess
[hoIIers excitedly]
[whistling]
What the heII are you doin' in my office?
It was a trap You set us up
I mighta made a Iittle anonymous caII
You didn't thinkthey'd just hand it to you, did ya?
We got the crap kicked out of usbecause of you!
Tonight wasn't about fair or unfair
It was about achievin' your objective
Did you?
- Did you even see that trophy?- Oh, I saw it
- And when you saw it, did you want it?- Yeah, to get rid of you
That's not what I asked
- Did you want it?- I wanted it
- To own it?- Yeah
- Deserve it?- Yeah
- To win it?- Oh, yeah
Then let's win it, you bruised-up turd!
If you really want it,I'II show you how to earn it
[tannoy]Welcome, parents, to Madison School
For your convenience, we will beannouncing activities throughout the day,
if they happen
Hey, Heathcoat, your parentscoming today?
Nah, course not
- How 'bout you, WiIIiams?- What, are you kidding?
My parents said they'd comebut they say they've got aIIergies
What the heII happened to you?
Me? Nothing I'm great
Look at you, thoughRegular Iittle soldier man
You a hard-ass now?
- What're you doin' here?- It's parents' day I am your Iegal guardian
- And drunk- Don't you walk away from me
- Gimme a Iittle salute- I'm not gonna salute you
You salute your superiorsOr don't they teach that around here?
What superior?They kicked you out, remember?
Don't you sass me Iike your mother
You're mine now I own youAnd you wiII respect me
Now, you salute me
No
You hit that boy again,I'II do more than salute you
- This is between me and my son- Stepson
Whoever he is, he's on my time now
Now, I'm gonna ask you nicely,please return to your vehicle
You go on now
Go on back to your bunk, son
Major Payne, sir
Yes
I wanna get that trophy, sir
- Come again?- I wanna get that trophy, sir
- What, you wanna steal it?- No, sir
- You want to win it?- I want to earn it, sir
The rest of you men feel the same way?
Meet me on the parade ground, 1 700 hoursWe got work to do
Squad, atten-hut!
[cheering]
[ Aretha Franklin: Respect]
Ooh, what you want, baby, I got
What you need, you know I got it
All I'm askin' is for a little respectjust a little bit
Hey, baby, just a little bitCome on, just a little bit
Yes, sir, just a little bit
I ain't gonna do you wrong while you gone
I ain't gonna do you wrong'Cause I don't wanna
All I'm askin' is for a little respect
just a little bit, baby, just a little bit
All I'm askin' in return, honey
Is to give me my proper respectWhen you get home
just a, just a, just a, just a, just a
Baby, when you get homejust a little bit, just a little bit
One two three four
five six seven eight
Ooh, your kisses sweeter than honey
Forty inches breast to back
All I want you to do for meIs give me some here
When you get homeRee-ree-ree-ree-ree, yeah, baby
Give me some respect when you get home
just a little bitR-E-S-P-E-C-T
Find out what it means to meR-E-S-P-E-C-T
Hey, Boy, T-C-B, oh
A little respect
Oh, yeah, just a little bitA little respect
[song continues]
[inaudible]
[shriII whistle]
Squad! Atten-hut!
Present arms!
Left face!
Right face!
Rank, rest!
You're stiII a shit sandwich
You're just not a soggy one
From now on, you are no Ionger turds
You've graduated to maggots
You're a family, a team
Let's win them games
Squad! Atten-hut!
General on deck
Major, I have news so goodI've decided to deliver it personaIIy
America needs you There's a situation inBosnia that requires your special services
As of this moment, you are reinstated in theUS Marines at the rank of Lieutenant ColoneI
- Thank you, sir!- Congratulations
Your unit wiII be Ieaving out of WashingtonYou wiII arrive tomorrow at 1 600 for briefing
Here are your tickets
Uh, General, tomorrow arethe military games and I was hoping
Games?Payne, I fought to get you reinstated
You wanted in I got you in
You don't take this,there won't be any more chances
Sir, the major wiII be there, sir!
Good man I'II see you in Washington
Hey, Major Where you goin'?
Back to kiIIin' You wanna come?
I didn't think so
Go Iead your men into victory
Great What happened to unity and familyand aII that other buIIshit you taught us?
I never said families don't break upDon't you watch Oprah?
So it's true You're just gonna Ieave
You know, when they're through with you,they're just gonna cut you Ioose again
I asked to IeaveThem boys are makin' me soft
"Them boys" need youAII that hard work, they did it for you
- They did it for themselves- Benson
Look, womanI toured 1 1 separate engagements
I didn't do that to come backand be conquered by no woman and kids
What'd you think I was gonna do,marry you?
Put up a white picket fence? Adopt Tigerand become the Iovin' male role model?
That's not me It's not Payne!
[ Aretha Franklin:I Never Loved a Man (the way I Iove you)]
You're no good, heartbreaker
You're a liar and you're a cheat
And I don't know why
I let you do these things to me
My friends keep telling me
That you ain't no good
Whoa-oh-oh but they don't know
That I'd leave you if I could
I guess I'm all uptight
And I'm stuck like glue
Cause I ain't never, I ain't never
I ain't never, no, no
Loved a man the way I, I love you
I can't believe he actuaIIy Ieft
AIex, where are you going?
To the games You guys better startgetting ready We gotta be there in an hour
We don't have to go to the games,Payne's gone
We don't have a chance without Payne
Listen, Payne or no Payne, I'm gonnago out there and win that stupid trophy
We busted our asses off out theregettin' ready for this
I didn't go through aII thatto come out empty handed
So, how about it, guys? Are you with me?
Sure
- [as Payne] I can't hear you!- Sir, yes, sir!
Just a Iittle bit Iouder now
Sir, yes, sir!
One more time, you maggots
Sir, yes, sir
[tannoy] Taggert, present arms
Stapleton, present arms!
Wellington, present arms!
Madison, present arms!
Cadets, order arms!
Welcome, men, to WeIIington Academy
for the 58th annuaIJunior ROTC Virginia Military Games
This morning, you are aII equaI
But by the end of the day today, we wiIIhonour the finest of you with a trophy
The trophy of a champion
Let the games begin!
[cheering]
Good shot, WiIIiams I got nothin'to say to you AII right, Fox Keep goin'
Yes!
Come on, guys! Maggots!
PuII!
Go, Tiger!
Catch it! Oh, I gotcha now!
[Emily's voice] Benson
[: Donna Reed Show Theme]
[inaudible over music]
[train hooter]
On your mark Get set
[gunshot]
One, sir Two, sir Three, sir Four, sir
Faster, Heathcoat Over the waII Go! Go!
Come on! You can do it!
See you Iater, Ioser!
He just tripped him!
The winner of the relay raceis Wellington Academy
Second place, Madison Preparatory
Third place, Stapleton
Fourth place, Taggert
[whistles]
AII right, knock it off!
Hold it right there! Hey, hey, you!
I want that man arrested!
This is unsatisfactory!
I demand that the Madison squadbe disqualified from the final competition!
Lieutenant, I can only disqualifythe cadet who started the disturbance
That's not enough! Look at 'em
These animals are so pathetic,their own commander didn't even show up
Ain't no need for name-caIIing
What are you doing here? I wastold you were on an important assignment
WeII, what could be more important thanmy boys winnin' this here competition?
I suggest we get this party startedThat OK with you, Colonel?
Cadets, I'm pleased to announcethe two top-rated squads
who wiII compete for first and secondplace in the parade driII competition:
WeIIington Academyand Madison Academy
[tannoy] Wellington AcademyDrill leader, Sergeant Michael Rachmill
AII right, gentlemen, let's Iook alive here!We got trophies to win
HeIIo, Mr DeniaI
While you were on vacation,we've been havin' some real problems
I don't see no problemYou made it to the finals
Yeah, no thanks to you
So, why'd you come back?We don't need you
- Maybe I didn't come back for you- Why'd you come back, then?
Maybe I wanna see you win first placeand ain't gonna Ieave until you do!
So that's it? It's aII about the trophy?
Maybe I Iike you
Just Iike?
Maybe I Iike you a Iot
That's it?
Don't push the "maybe", baby
- Now, let's win this thing- We have nobody to Iead the driII
- Course we do- Who?
- Tiger- Are you crazy?
- He know the driII Iike the back of his head- I can't do it I'm too Iittle
[tannoy] Ladies and gentlemen,the Wellington Academy drill team
You need me to teII you the storyabout the Little Engine That Could again?
Then you get out thereand you toot that horn, boy
Toot! Toot!
Toot! toot!
Ladies and gentlemen,Madison Preparatory School
[drum roll]
Drill-team leader,Private Kevin "Tiger" Dunne
Left-step march!
Now here we are together
Ready to do whatever
We started out as boysNow we're men and we're makin' noise
So stand back and step clear,Madison cadets are the ones to fear
Ifyou don't believeBattle us and you wilI see
Oh, yeah, here we comeHere we come, here we come
- Hip-hop, hip-hop, hip-hop, ho- Hip-hop, hip-hop, hip-hop, ho
- We can get down 'cause it's in our souls- We can get down 'cause it's in our souls
- Hit me with a one, two- One, two
- Hit me with a three, four- Three, four
Hit me with a one, two, three, four
[all] One, two, three, four
Mark time, march!
Present arms!
Forward march!
Huh! Huh! Huh! huh!
Free style!
Arms!
One, two, three, get down on the hip-hop
Get down, get funky and you don't stop
Go, Tiger
Get down, do that, do that
- Get down and do that, do that- Whoo! Whoo !
Aaaa !
- Salute!- [gunshot]
Madison Preparatory School
[cheering]
Company! Atten-hut!
Sir, squad is formed, sir
Post
My nameis Major Benson Winifred Payne!
I'd Iike to be the firstto welcome you to the Madison SchooI
What we've tried to develop hereis a family environment
One of trust and understanding
I'd Iike for you to think of menot only as your commanding officer
but as your friend
[barking]
And what the heII is that?
He's mine
[boy whistles]
Thataboy Sit Good boy
Yeah, weII, maybe that doesn't apply to meHe's my blind seeing-eye dog
What in the world would anybody wantwith a blind dog?
The dog ain't blindI'm the one that's blind, you idiot
I see you and your friend Cujo here gota Iittle attitudinal problem needs readjustin'
WeII, I'II fix that up quick,fast and in a hurry
Hey, Corporal!
Go teII Mama bring my field knife
[dog howls and yelps]
Hee-hee-hee Ha-hee-hee
Ho-hee-hee Ha-hee-hee
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