Come on, Jake, slow down.
Hurry up.
Melanie!
We gotta get homeor Mom's gonna kill me.
Wow, did you see that?
1,001 , 1,002. . .
- Answer the question!- No!
No, you won't answer,or you won't marry me?
Jake Perry, I'm ten years old.I got too much to live for.
Not that way, you don't. Come on!
Wow! Cool.
It's hot. Don't touch it.
We'll be safe here.
Says who?
Everybody.
Lightning never strikesthe same place twice.
Why would you want to marry me,anyhow?
So I can kiss you any time I want.
Oh, my God.
Hi.
That accent of yours is a lot thickerwhen you're dreaming.
How come y'all let me sleep?
- Calm down. It was five minutes.- What did I say?
We're all getting big raiseswhen you become somebody.
Did they kill Badgley Mischka.
Laugh now, tomorrow it could be us.
Not us, you. I just make the coffee.
Thank you.
Thanks for the long night.I'll see you at the show.
See you later. Get some rest.
Andrew.
Honey, there's a rose for everymoment I thought of you last night.
You must be exhausted.Knock 'em dead.
I'll see you at the show.It's gonna be great. I love you.
I can't wait to see you. Goodbye.
OK, people we are officially late!
- Melanie!- Yes?
This top is supposed to be neonaubergine but it's all wrong!
OK, don't panic. That's my job.Put her on after Anouk.
The light cue is yellow.She'll look eggplant.
Pan, it's wrongbecause it's on backwards.
Miss Dixie, I'm scared of you!
Frederick, why are you here?You're the competition.
Competition? Please!Our designs are pearls.
Nothing comes between meand my protegee.
This is, after all, all about me.
I love this. Stella McCartney'sgonna kill herself.
Why do I feellike I'm in Times Square, naked?
You'll be fine. Seven years ago, youwere a debutante off the plantation.
Now you're my steel magnolia,with her very own show.
Get out before you make me cry.
Bonne chance.
Secretary Hennings,do you have a moment?
Please tell mehe has a flaw somewhere.
He asked meto go to Ireland for Christmas.
He's going to ask youa lot more than that.
You think so?
- It's time, let's do this.- Alright, we got to go.
Places, everyone.
Let's go. Line up. OK, don't smile.No smiles, just smirks.
Wait.
OK, go.
Honey!
- Congratulations.- You're amazing.
- The flowers were insane.- I want this day to be perfect.
- God, what if they hate me?- Critics hate themselves.
Easy for you to say.I don't have thick Hennings skin.
No, you don't.And that is what I love about you.
I'm sorry. I have a meeting.You enjoy it and I'll see you later.
We've got that thing tonightat Lincoln Center.
- What thing?- Fundraiser thing.
Right. The thing.With your mother. That's tonight.
- I'm afraid so.- OK.
I am so proud of you.
- Thank you.- OK.
- I love you.- I love you, too. Congratulations.
His meeting's running late.He told me to take you inside.
Where are we?
- I'm so tired, Jimmy.- Yeah.
- I've just had it.- He shouldn't be too long.
Miss Carmichael, won't you come in?
So, have you made a decision?
- About what?- Ireland.
Ireland, honey?That's four months from now.
I was thinkingmaybe. . .
. ..2-300 guests, tops.
For Christmas?Are you on some sort of medication?
What's going on? Where are we?
Oh, my God!
Melanie Carmichael,will you marry me?
Are you sure?I mean, are you really sure?
If you're not,we can just go back to the car.
- It's only been eight months.- I never do anything rash.
I never ask a questionI don't know the answer to.
So at the riskof being rejected twice,
I'm gonna ask you again.
Will you marry me?
Yes.
Pick one.
- Mayor, just one shot.- Over here, Mayor.
- Where is he?- Running late.
Thanks to that Carbuncle girl.
- Carmichael, designer, Southern.- Whatever.
Your Honour, how do you answer
those who opposeyour street-improvement project?
I suggestthey drive through Brooklyn.
Maybe they'll disappear in a pothole.
Sources say your son'sengaged to Melanie Carmichael.
Do you have a comment?
Trust me if my son were engaged,I'd have a comment.
- I thought you were tired.- Jimmy, excuse us.
I planned this for weeks.This thing tonight is perfect.
I can't wait to see my mother's face.
- Come on, let's call your parents.- No!
I mean, not right this second.
What I mean is, would you mind
if we kept this to ourselvesfor a few days?
Mel, it'll come out sooner or later.
I know but I haven't seen my folksin about seven years.
I just feel like I shouldprobably tell them in person.
Of course.
And I think I should do it alone.
Mel, I'll have to meet themeventually.
I know. And they will love you.Eventually.
- Is it because I'm a Yankee?- Well, that, and a Democrat.
OK. Mum's the word.
- No one will know.- Thank you.
Secretary Hennings.
Hello.
Have you told your motheryou're engaged?
Sorry we're late.
That lipstick doesn't suit you.What kept you?
- None of your business.- What's going on?
Tom, always a pleasure.Good to see you.
Melanie, darling.So good to see you.
Look at you, the belle of the ball.
I hear your new line is good.
Oh, yeah. Thanks.
- Andrew.- Yes?
Melanie is wearing a skating rinkon an important finger.
- I'd like to keep this. . .- Oh, my God!
You're engaged?
. .quiet.
I'm your first New York friend
and I read about itwith 1 2 million other people.
Sorry. She grabbed my hand.What could I do?
I know. We read about it.Did you cry?
Wouldn't you?
One man for the rest of my life?I'd bawl. Come and meet us.
I can't. I'm in Alabama.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
He's loud, but he don't bite.Shut up, hound
Lie down.
Come on, stay.
How can I help you?
Well, you can get your stubborn assdown here and give me a divorce.
Jake, I mean it. The joke's over.
Let's finish this.I've got a plane to catch.
You're shitting me, right?
I never understood that expression,but no, I'm not shitting you.
Look, it's even got theseidiot-proof tabs to make it easy.
One copy for me, one for you,one for the lawyers.
What? Speak.
You show up here after seven years
without so much as a, "Hey, there,Jake. Remember me, your wife?"
Or, "Hi, honey. Looking good.How's the family?"
You expect me to say you look good?
Did the Piggly Wigglyrun out of soap?
They laugh at that up north,or wherever you've been?
You knew where I was.And don't pretend you missed me.
I missed you. But at this range,my aim is bound to improve.
Is that a threat?
I've got a lawyercharges $350 an hour.
He billed me every timeyou sent these back.
I'm glad you got the message.
- Shut up, Bear!- Shut up, Bryant!
What happened to Bear?
He died. You weren't here.
What are you doing?
Leaving. You should recognisethe gesture.
Could we try to keepthis as civilised as possible?
Please sign these so I can go home.
What do you know from home?
I bet your folksdon't know you're here.
That's my business.
Honey, those peopleare the only family you got.
Don't "honey" me, honey!
Get your butt back in that car,
drive over and see 'em,then maybe we'll talk.
Jake!
You dumb, stubborn, redneck hick!
You won't sign thesecos I want you to!
Wrong! I ain't signing
cos you've turnedinto some hoity-toity Yankee bitch
and I'd like nothing betterthan to piss you off!
What are you doingwith Mo SlideI's plane?
- That's my business!- Fine!
Fine!
Divorce, my ass.
Hey, genius.
When you lock somebody out,
make sure they don't knowwhere the spare key is.
Well, see,that's the thing about hide-a-keys.
It'd be nice if your wifetold you where it was.
I'm not your wife, Jake.
I'm just the first girl that climbedin the back of your truck.
But you're right.
I have changed.I don't even know that girl any more.
Well, then, allow me to remind you.
"Born into one of the wealthiestfamilies of Greenville, Alabama,
her daddy's in cottonand all that that implies."
There is no listing foran Earl Carmichael in Greenville.
Her high school?
No record of Melanie Carmichaelattending, ever.
Jesus! Whatever happenedto responsible journalism?
Something's wrong here.Why would my son do this to me?
Maybe he loves her?
Please! This is classic rebound.
He's hurt from breaking up with. . .Who was it?
Whitney Trusdale, lawyer,San Francisco.
Yeah. There was a matchmade in heaven.
Society, political family,California.
All those electoral votes.
Get Andrew on the phone.
We only have a small windowfor the Secretary of Housing.
Hold your questionsuntil after the presentation.
See the look on my Mom's face?I thought her head would explode.
What'd she say?
I should date women like Mel,not marry them.
- That's harsh.- That's Mom.
- Thank you.- Thanks a lot.
We hope to havethe Bronx Children's Hospital open. . .
Speak of the devil. Hello.
So, have you lovebirds set a date?
I plead the Fifth.
Try to keep your secrets,I dare you.
You're in a better mood.
My approval ratingwent up two points.
The public likes to knowI'm a mother.
- Always running for office.- I'm only thinking of you. Say...
Do you have the Carmichaels' numberdown there in Greenville?
I thought I should introduce myself.
I'd like to meet them first.
The press will be all over this.Take it from me.
Happy couples don't sell.
If there are any skeletons in hercloset, we need to know about them.
You make clothes, right?
I design them.There's a big difference.
You design anything with stripes?
You called the sheriff?
You know that old bastard hates me.
For good reason.
Well, hell's bells!If it ain't Felony Melanie.
Wade?
Hot damn, girl,do we miss you around here.
I saw poor Fuzz the other day.
You had to bring that up.So, you're the Sheriff?
I get to frisk pretty things like youand get paid for it.
Try and be more professional.We got a crime suspect here.
You can't break into people's houses.
I didn't break in.I used a key. My key.
It still ain't your house.I'll have to escort you out.
Use the cuffs.
If you get him to sign these,you can run me out of town.
- That's not your concern.- What do we got here?
A bill of divorcement?
- You said you took care of this.- I thought I had.
Obviously not.
If you are still married,it's her house too.
This ain't nothingbut a domestic dispute.
He didn't hit you, did he?
If he did, I'll take him in.
We take that stuffpretty serious nowadays.
No, Wade. Jake's never hit me.
You know what?
Every childhood memory I havehas you two in it.
Including the nightI lit my ass on fire.
Wade, Memory Lane is closed.
You two got a whole lot of catchingup to do. I'll leave you to it.
- I set you up with your wife.- Sign the papers!
I can't do anything.The law is the law.
She has done nothing wrong.
So shoplifting steaksat Winn-Dixie is OK?
You know I took them back!
That vandalism at the stockyard?Totally her.
Like I could tip a cow by myself.
Wade, isn't theresome outstanding warrant
for whoever dumped yourmomma's tractor in the fish pond?
I have ten of these, then it's gone.
So if you are loving this monster...How many?
Eight? We have eight only?
If I could say that in Italian,I would.
9: 1 5? Honestly!Who could be calling at this hour?
Hello? Hello?
Hey, Momma.
Melanie, is that you?It's so late. Are you alright?
I ...
I thought I'd surprise you.
This certainly is a surprise,hearing from you,
you being such a busy girl an' all.
I call people while I'm doingthe dishes or shelling peas.
- Oprah calls it multitasking.- Momma,
the call isn't the surprise.I'm in town.
Lord love a duck!
My baby girl has finally come home.Earl, she's in town.
If you're gonna repeat everythingshe says, get off my chair.
- Momma...- I'm just sitting here.
What happened to the sound?
I turned it downto hear the phone ring.
Are you clairvoyant now?
It was so loud,I couldn't hear myself think.
I heard itat Joe and Merlene's house.
- Hello?- I only get three minutes.
You didn't need to call.Just come on by.
Well, that's the thing. I was hopingDaddy could come and get me.
So, what put you in jail this time?
Jake and his big fat mouth.It was just a misunderstanding.
Like that wedding I paid for.
I would hardly call that a wedding.
The boy was nervous.
He was still drunkfrom the night before.
- Can you blame him?- Yes, I can!
I went to the receptionwith puke down my dress
while he slept it offin the Travelodge.
- You're still siding with that...- I'm not siding with anybody.
- The boy's changed.- Can we not talk about Jake?
I know he's the son you never hadbut I'm your daughter.
Maybe you want to knowwhat's new with me.
OK. Shoot.
I met somebody.
And he's quite a catch.
He's really a great guy.
And I'm happy. Really.
Come to Momma, sugar.
Hey, Momma.
Good land of the living,you are skin and bones.
Don't I get a smile?I know you got one in there.
Let's not let all the bought air out.
Well, are you hungry?
You want me to reheatsome chicken fried steak?
- No, I'm fine.- Sweetie, you look tired
Are you tired? Maybe it's the wayyou're wearing your hair now.
You've done a lot with the place.
Lord, listen to that accent.
Sit in my good chair. Your mommagot me this Christmas before last.
When you were supposed to visit me?
I told you time and time again,it just didn't suit.
Let me get you those tickets.
Sit down in it. Sit down.
Now watch this.
I mean, isn't that quite the deal?
There are hardly words.How do I get out?
Oh, my God!
Jake tell you he's thinkingof getting one?
I see your priorities.Jake, jail and then home.
It was just unfinished business.
Jake's doing alright.Boy's going places.
Once upon a timeyou were going places too.
Here are your tickets.
These were a gift.I'd rather you guys just use them.
I don't understand how you visitevery stupid battlefield in the US
but you can't manageto visit your daughter.
The door swings both ways.
Don't get me startedon things I don't understand.
Here we go.
You wanted me to get awayand be somebody.
You shoved me in beauty pageants.
- I'm just saying, is all.- What are you trying to say?
Tell me what I can doto make you happy.
- Just make yourself happy.- Done. We're there, alright?
I've made something of myself.I have a career.
People want to be me.
And somebody loves meand I love him.
Pearl, get us some of thatbaloney cake out of the icebox.
Your momma's a complex woman.
I'm going to bed.
Goodnight, darling.
You know nothing about her.
Are you even sure who she is?
I love her, Mom.
That's nice. But be careful.You and I are different.
Not better, not worse,just different.
We're in public life to serve,so we have to set good examples.
Must you control everything?
Tell her I reserved the Plazafor the second weekend in June.
We were thinking Christmasin Ireland.
I won't let some girltalk you into getting married. . .
She is not "some girl".She's my fiancée, for Christ's sake.
You are just like your father.
One minute, you're brilliant,controlled, steadfast.
The next, you're throwing it awayon some piece of ass.
Those are your issues, Mother,not mine.
OK.
Hold on.
You know what?
How long doesa contested divorce take?
1 8 months?
Mr. Buford, I don't have 1 8 months.I don't have 1 8 days.
That's just not going to work for me.
Yeah. Yes.
Don't see the likes of youround these here parts.
Mr. Buford. . .
You look like sex on a stick.
I have to call you back.
Listen, why don't you just kiss my.. .
. .ass! Oh, my God.
Get in the truck cos I don't dothat sort of thing on the street.
Your momma raised you right.
What is that, Calvin Klein?Very nice.
Very good. I better back off.
I don't want to get you in troublewith the little lady.
There is a little lady?
I can't afford me, much lesssome high-maintenance babe.
What about Cindy? You were hotand heavy in high school.
She's a women's softball coachin Nashville.
That explains some questions I had
about a game of post officewe played.
No!
I guess we all have our secrets,Bobby Ray.
Yeah, we sure do.
But I read about yourson the internet.
What?
I know about the cocksin your henhouse.
God! Bobby Ray! You sure knowhow to make a girl blush.
I gotta get back.Are you in town for a while?
I hope not.I'm just hitting the bank.
- I better scram.- Very funny.
- It was good to see you.- Good to see you, too. Bye.
Hi, Eugene.
How's your leg?
It don't give me too much trouble,Miss Melanie.
Dorothea, I'm going to take my lunch.
Look what the cat dragged in.
Dorothea? My God, you've. . .
. .lost 1 1 0lbs, I know.
Well, congratulations.
Thanks.
You don't have an ATM.
Them things. Russ won't get one
because you lose personal contactwith customers.
Yes. That would be tragic.
Wade said you and Jakehad quite the reunion.
But that's just pillow talk.
- Are you and Wade...?- Going on three years.
It ain't Tiffany's. But thenyou can't believe everything on TV.
I need a withdrawal from my. . .
- . .joint account?- My what?
Your joint account. With Jake.
From what I hear,y'all are still married.
Why, yes.
Yes, we are.
Hi, honey.
Looking good. How's the family?
Cut the shit. Where's my stuff?
What kind of wifedoesn't pick up after her husband?
The kind that don't live here.
I'm going to ask you one last time.Where is the hide-a-key?
I had the sweetest chatwith Wade's mom about her tractor.
Nice to see you got your accent back.
I stumbled across a few things today.
Holy shit!What happened to the stove?
And where are them magnetsI had over here?
What the hell is this? Chick food?
Lite beer. Less calories.
I tried to get a new bed but haveyou been to the Sit 'n Sleep lately?
I'll have to order somethingfrom New York.
Whatever blows your dress up,darlin'.
Go ahead and spend your money.
But, darlin', I thought you saidwe should think of it as our money.
Just a guess but I think the words
"joint chequing" are flashingin your head right now.
- How much did you take?- All of it.
Son of a bitch!
You want a wife, you got a wife!
Why do you have all that cash?Why don't you invest it?
If you don't get out. . .
Sign the papersand I'll give it back.
- Fine!- Fine.
Give me the pen.
- Why do you have all that cash?- Give me the pen.
When did you quit the tyre factory?Are you doing anything illegal?
Maybe I am. So?I don't ask about your boyfriend.
Keep your nose out of my life. Deal?
Who told you?
Honey, just cos I talk slowdoesn't mean I'm stupid.
Look, Jake. . .
Nobody finds their soul matewhen they're ten years old.
Yeah, I guess.
I mean, where's the fun in that,right?
I can't believeyou kept this all these years.
Most people don't knowlightning does that to sand.
Mel, you know what?
I just rememberedI got myself a hot date.
Mind if my lawyer looks at these?
- What?- Hell.
I'm just a simple country boy.
There's words in thereI can't even pronounce.
You might be taking meto the cleaner's.
- The cleaner's? You?- What'd this set you back?
More than you make in a month.Sign the damn papers!
Nah, but thanks for stopping by.
- I love you, I love you, I love you.- Are you sitting down?
Why? Bad news?
I picked up New York magazine.And I quote,
"That cool breath of fresh airat Fashion Week
was the soon-to-be household nameof Melanie Carmichael."
"Fashion insidershave labeled her the next big one."
Oh, my God! The next big one?
God, honey, I needed thatalmost as much as I need you.
What is that noise?
- The sound of my past.- Have fun.
OK, bye.
Batten down the hatches, boys!
Trouble just walked in, disguisedas my favourite daughter-in-law.
Drive that pretty face over hereand give me a hug.
Soon to be ex-daughter-in-law.
- Who's the lucky guy?- His name is Andrew.
- He's in politics.- He's got my vote.
Good to see you, baby girl.
Give this lady whatever she wants!I'll catch up with you later.
I'll have a Grey Goose martini,two olives, dirty.
Oh, my God! Melanie!
- Lurlynn?- Yes! Oh, my God!
Look at you, all fancy,like you stepped out of a magazine.
Well, thank you. Look at you.
You have a baby. In a bar.
Hell, I got three more at home.
This one's still on the tit,so I can cart him anywhere.
Right.
I almost bought that exact same topthe other day.
But Clinton would kill me if I spent30 bucks on a sweater thing.
That Jaclyn Smithknows what she's doing.
Actually, it's mine.Bergdorf just picked it up.
I design clothes now.
Now that you mention it,I'm pretty sure I heard that.
So, do you know Jaclyn Smith?
Mind if I join you?
- Actually, we do.- You must be Jake's hot date.
I'm Starr.
I'm Melanie, Jake's snottyYankee bitch wife,
whom he won't divorce,even though I'm engaged.
Hot dog, Jake,look at the size of that thing!
Honey, why don't you get usa couple of drinks?
OK.
Is that a martini?
Not me and her "us", you and I "us".
Why do you make mebe mean to you?
Do you want to be humiliatedin front of all your friends?
Come on, Mel.We were your friends too.
- Well, lookee, lookee, lookee.- Hot damn!
Well, well, well. If it isn'tthe two groomsmen of the apocalypse.
Hey, Eldon. Are you hungry?
I'm starving, Clinton.
No, don't you dare!
I could use a Melanie sandwich!
- Just like old times.- Get your hands off me!
No! Not like old times, alright?Times have changed.
No more Melanie sandwich,no more Melanie taco,
and no more Melanie corndog.
- Sure.- We're just playing.
Guys, let's play some pool.
You can't find a cue,just pull the one shoved up her ass.
I can't believe you still wearthat same stupid hat.
Well, I just about got it broken in.
Now, sit your bony ass down
and watch me teach Jake herehow to lose at pool.
That's the thing.
I'm not really a watch-and-seekind of girl, am I, Jake?
Come on, Bobby Ray, you got it.
Bobby Ray. . .
Don't blow this one, OK?Alright, baby?
You can take the girlout of the honky tonk
but you can't takethe honky tonk out of the girl.
So, Jake are you goingto divorce this girl or what?
Well, she waited seven years.
A couple more days won't kill her.Unfortunately.
- Like it'll make a difference.- You never know.
You might be interestedto know that Jake...
Let her think what she wants.
She made up her mind about mea long time ago.
Some things never change.
Like Eldon here.
He never could get his ballsin the right pocket.
OK, Jake. It's you and Mel.
Clutch time.Just like state playoffs.
We're down by six.Seven seconds to go.
We need that beautiful 52-yard bomb!
- Remember that, Mel?- How could I forget?
That was the nightJake got me pregnant.
Why don't you just go publicwith that shit?
Come on. It's not likeanybody can keep a secret here.
- Except for Bobby Ray.- Now, what did I ever do to you?
You never did anything to me,darling. Or any other girl in town.
Melanie, what is wrong with you?
- What do you mean?- She's just unhappy.
I would be too if Women's WearDaily called me "less than mediocre".
Why don't you go to a gay bar?
Now what would B Ray doin a gay bar?
Well. . .
I've had enough fun for one night.
Come on, I was just kidding.
Stella! How about another roundof drinks for my friends here?
Honey, you've had enough.
You know what? I think you're right.
I have had enough.
I mean, how do you peoplelive like this?
That's it, that's it.
Did you knowthere's a world out there
that has nothing to dowith chitlins and children or beer?
I liked her betterwhen she was crazy.
Jake.
Why do you treat themlike something you stepped in?
- You asked for it!- I asked for it?
You show up, steal my money
then insult my friends,acting like you're better than them!
I am better than them!And you stole my pen.
- That's all that matters to you.- Thank you.
The money, the labels, the shoes.You're pathetic!
Like you're going places.I am, as soon as I get my keys.
- No, you don't.- Give me my purse!
You want to kill yourself,you do it somewhere else. There.
At least I'm doing something.So what if you can't play football?
- Get a new dream. I did.- Get in the truck now.
Alright!
I guess the date's over?
Do me a favour. Follow us home.
Evening, Earl.
Evening, Jake.
- Pearl.- Jake.
Listen, Pearl, go easy on her.We don't want another seven years.
We were wonderingwhen we'd see you.
Christ Almighty, Daddy, how will Iexplain you in New York City?
History's history.No use sweeping it under the rug.
- Wish me luck.- Go get them Yankees.
People need a passportto come down here.
Bryant, where is he?
Come here. Come on.
Come on. Bryant, come on.
What's she doing here?
I thought you'd be gone.
I put the money back.
Thanks. Saves mefrom bouncing a lot of cheques.
Can he swim?
Doesn't look like it.
I like what you did, though.
To the house.Should help it sell quicker.
Are you moving?
Well, I've been spendinga lot of my time in Tuscaloosa, so...
- How deep is that water?- About eight feet.
Look, Mel, I signed your papers.
I never meant to hurt youor anybody else for that matter.
I just came out hereto say thank you.
You might wantto move out of the way.
You can't just leave!
Sure I can.
- You want to come?- Where are you going?
I want to show you something.
- I can't.- Can't or won't?
Both.
The girl I knew used to be fearless.
The girl you knew didn't have a life.
You better get on with it then.Come on, Bryant.
Come on, boy, get in here.
Do you knowBobby Ray Bailey's address?
81 3 Lafayette.
You don't remember me.
I remember you just fine. You usedto steal catfish from my pond.
Yes, sir. I did that.
I'm sorry.
On weekends, Bobby Raygoes to the Carmichael plantation.
Visits with Colonel Murphy,it being tourist season.
Thank you.
- Yes?- Hi. I'm Melanie Carmi. . .
Melanie Smooter.
I'm here to see Bobby Ray.
If he's alive, he's out back.Come on.
They're out here somewhere.Watch your step.
Bobby Ray?
Melanie?Don't move!
Hot damn!
Hold your fire, sir.
We weren't aiming for you but Idoubt I'd have gone to your funeral.
I guess I wouldn't blame you.
I'd forgotten how beautifulthis place was.
It doesn't take muchto forget things, does it?
- Bobby Ray, it's not like that.- I'll tell you what it's not like.
It's not like Jake's the only oneyou run out on.
I'm so sorry I outed you.
I guess I figuredif I was pointing at you then.. .
. .nobody would see through me.
Bobby Ray!
I can't find the fuse!
I should go before he kills himself.
Bye.
Afternoon.
Can I help you?
Barry Lowenstein, New York Post.
Oh, boy. Am I glad to see you.
I'll tell you, it's definitelyanother world down here.
- Did you say the Post?- Yes.
I was hoping to interview youand your family.
Maybe a few pictures,if you don't mind.
No. I mean, yes, I do. Mind.They're not here.
This is just as you described it.
It must have been amazinggrowing up here.
Like a fantasy.
- Could I take a quick look inside?- I'm on my way out.
- I'll come back then.- OK, but just a peek.
This is it. Home, sweet home.
How old is this place?
It was builtby my great-great-great-grandfather.
Charles Carmichael, in 1 853.
Boy. I bet you slid downthis bannister a time or two.
And over here, we have the...
. .kitchen. But who hasn't seenone of those? Over here.
This is my favourite room.
It was part of the...Underground Railroad.
Why are we whispering?
The whole place is haunted.
By ghosts of...
. .Civil War soldiers.
Dang Confederate buttons!
No wonder we lost the war.
Was that one of them?
Melanie?
- What are you doing in the closet?- Barry Lowenstein, New York Post.
Miss Carmichael was showing mearound the plantation.
Mr Lowenstein is writing a pieceon the family,
since I'm marrying the mayor's sonand all.
I had no idea. Isn't that something?
Yeah.
A plantation by any other nameis just a farm.
But it does roll off the tonguea little sweeter.
Miss Melanie forgot her manners.I'm Bobby Ray.
Her cousin.
Charmed.
The Yankees tried to destroyour metal-forming capabilities
by placing barrels of powderunderneath the anvils.
All they managed to do was blow 'emsky-high for a few seconds.
In honour of that act of stupidity,we recreate it for the tourists.
What the hell was that?
Grandpa!
This here's Barry. He's doingan article on Melanie's wedding.
Never heard of her!
Thanks!
Well, aren't you just a big fat liar?
- Bobby Ray!- Oh, go back to New York.
I'm sorry about what I said.
- Really sorry.- Oh, well.. . Forget it.
OK, y'all. You need to eat and bequiet. We're gonna have us a visit.
You know, he went up there.
Who? Jake? When?
About a year after you left.
He don't know I know.But Clinton let it slip once.
- Jake was in New York?- He'd never seen anything like it.
He realised straight off he'd needmore than an apology to win you back.
He needed to conquer the world first.He's been trying ever since.
That's why he kept sendingthe papers back.
Yeah.
It's funny how things don't work out.
It's funny how they do.
Look who I found by the parking lot,hesitant to join us.
Anybody think of anything in herethat might bother Bobby Ray?
Clinton's breath?
- You still the same Bobby Ray?- Last time I checked, yeah.
Well, then, let me buy you a drink.
You're really not my type.
Honey, you drink that from the top.
I'm just looking to seewho makes this Deep South Glass.
I wonder if you can get itin New York. It's beautiful.
Jake!
Mel wants to know where she can findsome of that snooty-falooty glass.
- Why ask me?- I don't know.
Maybe because you're. . .
You're all spiffed up and all.
Am I missing something?
Let's show some respect, folks.
Jake, when was the last time youpushed me around the dance floor?
Clinton has got two left feet.
Well, Miss Taylor, I'd be honoured.Let's do it.
Come on, Mel! Get out here!
Aren't you the Lord of the Dance?
I ain't as clumsy as I look.She just can't keep time.
You might have to prove that to me.
He's pretty good. It might be you.
The hell you say! Let me at him.
Look at them two, welded together.
Why do they fight it?
Maybe we could just talk.
Come on. Let's go to the roadhouse.
Nah.
Let's drive to Fairviewand bowl a few frames.
- I don't think so.- Want to go arrest somebody?
- I know this great place where.. .- No!
Y'all, I think I'm gonnacall it a night.
Hey there, boy.
Sorry it took me so long.
I'd have come soonerif I'd known you were sick.
Actually, that's probably not true.
I've been pretty selfish lately.
Dogs don't know anything about that,do they, though?
You were always likea big old pillow.
When everything went pear-shaped...
. .you never left my side.
And then I just left you.
I bet you sat therewondering what you'd done wrong.
I told him it was my fault.
- Quit being so nice.- It's the truth.
Why does it have to beso complicated?
- What?- The truth.
Life.
This.
He was one hell of a good dog.
Yeah.
You looked likeyou were having fun tonight.
I'm happy in New York, Jake.
But then I come down hereand this fits too.
Since when does it have to beone or the other?
You can have roots and wings, Mel.
Maybe I can just fly southfor the winter.
Look.
- What?- There. Can you see 'em?
Lightning bugs. Only you.
You know,I still go out there sometimes.
I see those big thunderheadsrolling in.. .
It's like a religion.
I had a dream about itthe other night.
Ever wonder what would havehappened if we hadn't got pregnant?
- Jake...- Let me get this out before I can't.
I thought that babywould be an adventure.
It took me a while to realise itwould have been your only adventure.
I just guessMother Nature knew better.
I was so ashamed.
Cos I felt...
. .relieved.
And all of a sudden,I just needed a different life.
And you've done real wellfor yourself.
I'm proud of you, Mel.
I'm just sorry I never dancedwith you at our wedding.
I'm sure this next onewill go better for you.
Jake, I can't do this.
I know.
Go home.
I'm just saying, is all.I saw you two looking at each other.
Momma, I can't help how Jake feelsabout me. He's done nothing wrong.
- He's done nothing right either.- Why are we having this argument?
I'm leaving.I'm marrying another man.
That's right, young lady. You geta second chance, so don't mess it up.
- For whom? For me or for you?- Don't sass me, OK?
Don't you dare. I have put up withan awful lot from you over the years.
What? Like me quittingyour precious pageants?
I didn't want you to end up like me!Damn it!
You need to stay far away from here.That boy is quicksand.
What's so wrong with being you,Momma?
I just think that you deserve better,that's all.
I know you do.
You always have.
I'll see you in New York, alright?
You'll like it.
I promise.
Don't forget to say goodbyeto your daddy.
Daddy?
Who you looking for, darling?
Earl Smooter.
Fifth Regiment?
Anybody seen Earl Smooter?
He's about to surrender!
Thank you!
After you.
Good afternoon.
- How are you?- Good, thanks. Yourself?
No complaints.
- This is a beautiful house.- Sure.
You here to see Bobby Ray?
Actually, I'm hopingto surprise Melanie.
- Melanie?- My fiancee.
You got the wrong house, don't you?
This is the Carmichael place,isn't it?
Are we talking about the same girl?
- Melanie Smooter?- Melanie Carmichael.
Well, that explains it.
It sure does.
Andrew Hennings.
- Jake Perry.- Nice meeting you, Jake.
Hey, Jake.
What's going on?
Oh, you know.Just talking to Mel's fiance here.
Wondering if you might knowwhere she is.
Andrew Hennings. You must be...
I'm Bobby Ray, her. . . cousin?
- I see you've met Jake, her. . .- Her other cousin.
Family. It's great to meet you both.
Melanie said something about visitingher daddy up at the battlefield.
Battlefield?
In the South, the minute theConfederacy died, it became immortal.
Come on.I'll give you a ride up there.
That's great, thank you.Nice meeting you.
So, who's. . . Melanie Snooter?
- Local hero round here.- Why's that?
- She blew up the bank.- And that made her a hero?
Well, notorious, anyway. She was ten.
Fortunately, nobody was hurt,except maybe the cat.
What cat?
The one with the dynamiteon its back.
- She blew up a cat?- He was scheduled to die anyway.
- From dynamite?- The vet said it had cancer.
So Eldon thought it'd be put in achamber that sucks their lungs out.
Mel couldn't bearthe thought of that.
She wanted something more humane.
Yeah, sure.
They were blastingby the new highway,
so we took ol' Fuzz up there,taped him up.
We used about 30 feet of fuse,just to be safe.
- Said our prayers and ran like hell.- Of course.
So there we were, sitting in Virgie'sdiner, feeling pretty blue,
when Mel sees that cat trotting downthe road, searching for Eldon.
No shit.
We'd have caught himbut once that fuse hit his tail,
he took off like a shot.
And into the bank.
He probably wriggled loosefrom the explosive
cos people still see him,scorched tail and all.
He's a bit skittish round humans.
- That's quite a story.- She was quite a girl.
Whatever happened to her?
Oh, you know.. .
Wound up pregnant, marriedsome loser right out of high school.
Surprised?
- What are you doing here?- I came to deliver your fiance.
- I think she was talking to me.- Jake...
Must be exhausting.
- What?- What?
- Living a lie.- What is he talking about?
You and I are in lovewith two different people.
Is he a second cousin?
- He's my husband.- Your what?
- My ex-husband.- You married your cousin?
- I came to finalise my divorce.- Jesus Christ!
Hey, darling. I thought that was you.
This must be your new someone.
Earl Smooter. Glad to meet you.
Melanie Smooter.
Andrew, wait! Wait!
I just. .. Please!
Let me try and explain myself.
You don't understand.This is not who I am any more.
I don't know who you arebut I know one thing.
There is a Lear jet in Mobileand I am on it.
I know you're thinkingI spoiled things good this time.
Don't go accusing me of thinking.I ain't doing anything of the sort.
Anyway, spoiled is in the eyeof the beholder.
Like these plums.
Some people might call them spoiled
but I think thatthese almost ruined ones
sometimes make the sweetest jam.
Do you need any help?
It was kind of fun seeing Daddyup there surrendering.
Yeah. He sure does have a flairfor the dramatic.
You certainly don't get itfrom my side of the family.
Hey, y'all, look who I foundwalking down 958.
Hi.
I thought you'd be halfwayto New York by now.
So did I .
If I'd known company was coming,I'd have put on the dog.
This is my momma.
She makes the best jamin three counties.
And my dad. You already met him.
And this is our home.This is where I grew up.
It's a pleasure meeting you both.
I'm Andrew Hennings,Melanie's fiance.
Well, that isif she'll still have me.
Look, Mel, I really don't carewhat happened down here.
So you have a past.I mean, who doesn't?
What I need to know is if there isa place for me in your future.
Good Lord,that is the sweetest thing.
Go on.
Hello, New York City.
Woman, what are you gassin' about?
Well, sir, my mother happens to bethe mayor up there.
And she'd like nothing better thana big, snazzy New York wedding.
Well. . .I suppose I could take off work.
Andrew, I. . .
I was thinking maybewe could have the wedding here.
Here?
In my hometown.
If you're worried about the money. ..
It's not about the money, Andrew.Not down here.
A lot of people are expecting usto get married in the city.
But I think a nice quietcountry wedding is just the ticket.
Earl, Pearl, if you folks couldtake care of the rehearsal dinner,
I'd really like to take careof the rest.
I think we could cover that.
Heck! How many times doesyour only daughter get married?
Other than before.
- Felony Melanie?- She was never convicted.
Which is worse, child cat-killeror sons of the Confederacy?
What do you suggest I do?Dump her for being poor?
You're a Democrat, remember?
There's nothing wrong with beingpoor. I get elected by poor people.
And I commend herfor making something of herself.
I'm upset that she lied to you.
So what?She was ashamed of her background.
Who isn't embarrassedby their parents at some point?
I'll assumethat's a rhetorical question.
Assume away.
No one can change my mindabout this.
Not you, not the media, not anyone.
Fine.
But admit it. I was right.
Yes, you were right. But she cameclean. Can we move on?
There is a wedding in your future,whether you like it or not.
And how does Miss Alabama planto accommodate 500 people?
She has connections at the jail?
There are several excellent choices.The Travelodge, Days Inn, Motel 6
and the Golden Cherry Motel,where we will be.
Laugh now. But if this gets out...
It won't.The press expects the Plaza in June.
About your wedding.
This place is gorgeousand we can control the security.
The Carmichael plantation?
It did inspire your identity,did it not?
- You thought of everything.- I always do. Keep in touch.
- You guys remember the sheik?- Yeah.
He proposed and I think I loved him,despite his billions.
Why didn't you say yes?
I realised my head and my heartwere saying two different things.
It's a big decision.
It's supposed to bethe easiest one you make.
Wasn't it?
Tabby, this is it! This is the stuffI was telling you about.
"Deep South Glass."
Oh, yes. Let's.
Oh, that's pretty.
What's the matter?
Oh, my God.
Do we know...
. .Mo?
Mel?
Look at these.
It's what happens to sandwhen it struck by lightning.
- She's pulling your dick.- No, really.
I've seen it.You just have to dig it up.
- Hey, Bryant.- Friend of yours?
I saw him first.
I think he's already taken.
I ... I tried to call youa couple of times.
You and your friends shouldlook around and have some lunch.
Sit on the deck. It's nice.
Jake.
Come on, Bryant. Let's. . .
Let's leave this lady alone.
Come on.
Sir, can we help you?
I'm looking for a Melanie Carmichael.
Anybody here recognise that name?
- What business you got with her?- I'm afraid that's a private matter.
Then I'm afraid we can't help you.
Damn reporters.
It's like the first ant at a picnic.
Now. This one hereis from Louisiana.
It's got a little alligator on top.
How sweet. I can seewhere your daughter gets her taste.
This is one of those disasterswaiting to happen.
One of the big onesonly cockroaches survive.
It's going to be fine.
One down, seven million to go.
Careful. You just smashedthe state bird of Alabama.
Pearl.
Well, finally.
Oh, my. Well, I can seewhy Melanie is so adorable.
I'm so happy to be here. Hi, Earl.
We're so happy to have you here.
I'm sorry the place is such a mess,Mrs Hennings. Mayor!
No, no. It's Kate.
I've been trying to get Earl to weedthese shrubs and repaint the trim.. .
Oh, my God!Look how pretty she is, Earl.
- I'll bet Kate could use a drink.- Kate could indeed.
Come right on then. I've got somefried pickles, hot out of the grease.
Yum.
It's a lovely chair, Earl.
To get the full effect,you pull this handle here.
Daddy, no!
Hold onto your drink, Kate.
- Name?- Wallace Buford.
I'm not on that list but I've gotsome urgent business with the bride.
Not today, you don't. Trooper.
- Sir, let's get it turned around.- Let's go.
Hi.
- There's a wedding going on.- I heard a mention of it.
I sure hope this weather cooperates.
It's supposed to be a big one.
You know, Jake,.. .
. .you're my only son and I love you.
But sometimes you aretoo much like your daddy.
She made her decision.
For somebody who's beenholding onto something so hard,
you're pretty quick to let it go.
I can't control her any morethan I can control the weather.
It's just nerves.You're doing the right thing.
Am l?
When I married your daddy. . .Lord, I was a fool for that man.
I couldn't put one footin front of the other.
I remember thinking, "Preacher,hurry up before he changes his mind."
Look where it got me.
Sometimes that man makes meso mad, I could wring his neck.
But you still love him?
God knows I do.And only He knows why.
Momma...
He can give you a lifethat we never dreamed of.
And he adores you.
He does, doesn't he?
Even if he is a Yankee,at least he's sober.
Miss Carmichael!
Get here! Get back here!
Mr Buford?
Get your hands off me!
Let him go!
Melanie?
You are one hard womanto get in touch with.
Mr Buford, he signed the papers.What are you doing here?
He did. You didn't.
What?
I'm still married?
Well, . . . only if you want to be.
For God's sakes, Melanie,I thought you took care of this.
It's an honest mistake.
Then can we fix itbefore we all get soaked?
Does anybody have a pen?
- Mom?- Oh, yeah, sure.
Darling?
These things don't just happen,you know.
You can't ride two horseswith one ass, sugarbean.
Andrew?
- You don't want to marry me.- I don't?
No. No, you don't.
Not really.
You see, the truth is. . .
. . I gave my heart away long ago.
My whole heart.
And I never really got it back.
I don't even know what else to saybut I'm sorry. I can't marry you.
And you shouldn't want to marry me.
So this is what this feels like.
That's it?
You're letting her humiliate you withsome bullshit about an old husband?
Yeah.
I think I am.
Excuse me.
You. . .
In my entire life,
I have never met anyoneso manipulative, so deceitful.
And I'm in politics!
I'm just being honest.
I will not allow the future presidentof the United States
to be dumped at the altarby some psycho Daisy May!
- You go after him, you little bitch!- Wait. Just a minute, missy.
There's no need for name calling.
She spoke her pieceand that's all there is to it.
Go back to your double wideand fry something.
Nobody talks to my momma like that!
Praise the Lord!The South has risen again!
Hey! Y'all! lf you're friendsof the bride, stick around!
I'm gonna go find me a groom!
Hey, cowboy!
You owe me a dance.
Nice dress.Where's your husband?
I'm looking at him.
Apparently,you and I are still hitched.
- Is that right?- Yeah.
Why didn't you sayyou came to New York?
- I had to make something of myself.- You about done?
What is it about Southern girls?Can't make the right decision
till you try all the wrong ones?
I fight for what I want!
What do you want?
I don't even think you know.
You're the first boy I ever kissed,Jake. I want you to be the last.
Maybe you and I had our chance.
Fine!Have it your way, you stubborn ass!
What do you want to be marriedto me for anyhow?
So I can kiss you anytime I want.
What the hell are you twotrying to do? Get yourselves killed?
What seems to be the trouble,Officer?
I'm here to bring you in, young lady.
What'd she do this time?
Well, the way I hear it, it seemsshe ran out on a perfectly good cake!
Here we go.
Well, folks. Look who finallymade it to their reception.
Ladies and gentlemen,Mrs and Mr Jake Perry!
You might want to keep thosefor the honeymoon.
Speech!
Well, I do believeI owe this lady a dance.
You sure do!
Shut up, Bryant!
Look at this.
Hey, Stella.
Make it a slow one.
Smile!
Alright, stand right here.
Alright. Stand real close!